Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Possessed, Demonic Furniture = Not In My House

   Talking with my bestie, she had mentioned that for my new apartment that I might want to look at some used furniture. This would save me some money, and I like to save money. The problem is, I just don't trust used stuff. I know, you're thinking things like lice and bed bug infestations, and that is a legitimate concern. We all know how I feel about those immortal bugs, but I have other concerns. Bugs are not my only worry here.
What if someone died on it???
   Do you ever wonder what has happened on that furniture that you find on Craig's List, and in garage sells, and other various places, where you may not know the former owner and don't know the furniture's history? I know that may not seem valid, but let me explain myself. Say you are looking at a used couch on Craig's List, and you go buy it, but what you don't know is that someone's Great-Aunt Mabel died on that very couch. Oh yeah, death cooties. And what if good old Aunt Mabel is lingering, tied to the mortal realm -- meaning the couch that you just bought. Well, that's just fabulous. Now you have someone's Great Aunt Mabel harping in your ear about the fact that the house is dirty, you need to walk the dog, your kids aren't well behaved, you can't cook, you need a man, what's wrong with you? And good luck evicting a spirit. I've watched enough horror movies to know that this never ends well. Try and evict her and you may very well end up haunting the couch with her.
   And say it gets worse. Say the reason Aunt Mabel died is because her rabid, feral cat chewed on her face. Then say Uncle Johnny came in, took care of that cat, and now the cat is haunting the damn couch as well. Now you have somebody's bitchy-ass Aunt complaining about everything you do, and you have a ghost cat pissing all over the carpet because you don't have a litter box. Great. Bet you're wishing you just bought a new couch, and skipped all this drama.
   It could be even worse. So far we have only touched ghostly Auntie Mabels and spirit cats that need a litter box. What if someone has been messing with Ouija boards on that couch and now that couch has become possessed by a Paranormal Activity-type demon. I don't know about you, but the last thing that I need is some invisible creature dragging me down the hall by my foot. And if you saw the most recent one, with the yard cram-packed full of possessed house wives, then you know that it's just a little hard to believe that they are all descendants from some little freaky coven. I bet some of them bought some used furniture that had demons in it. Bet you wish you had bought that new couch when the demon is chomping on your leg.
   So all-in-all, I think I am going to go with new, spiritually blank furniture. Clean slate and all that. This way, all those people on Craig's List can keep their dead Aunt Mabels and their Paranormal Activity demons. Plus-- I get to pick out new furniture. Win/win. 

1 comment:

  1. Omg thats actually so true and hilarious!!