Saturday, January 19, 2013

Have Another Kid? Are You Kidding Me????

   This is often what I hear when I say that my daughter is an only child, "But doesn't she need a sibling? She needs someone to play with." My response, "Hell no." Are you crazy? Lost your ever-loving mind? Maybe you can handle multiples, and more power to you, I am not putting you down at all, but I am not child-friendly. All my friends would coo and goo over those screaming blobs of poopy diapers while I looked on in absolute horror and swore never to have one. God has a twisted sense of humor. And then there is also that little factiod -- your kids will be twice as bad as you were. Oh. My. God. I was a bad effing kid, but for some reason, I was blessed with an angel of a child. Zany, weird, and completely different from me. If I have a second child, it's probably gonna get my badness x7, plus all of the badness it's sister didn't get. That kid is gonna be demon spawn -- yeah, I'll pass.
 But that isn't the only reason; I have multiple reasons for not wanting another child. One of them is pregnancy. Being pregnant sucks. I know people who love it, and they are nuts! What's to love? Heart burn, high blood pressure, peeing in a cup every week, diabetes tests, blood work, morning sickness, stress tests, swollen hands and feet, back aches, your unborn child kicking you in the ribs and bouncing on your bladder, peeing yourself, being fat, leaky boobs, doctors shoving their hands up your hoohah, stretch marks, and don't think I'm done, but I figure you get the picture now.
   The next reason is the actual birth. I was 10 days late, and I went in labor on the 22nd, at 8 am. I remember, because I was having contractions, but because I had never had braxton hicks, my midwife (yes, I was on state-provided insurance, and in Florida, at the time and in my location, you did not get to choose your provider; if you were low-risk you went to a group of midwives, if you were high-risk, you went to the doctors in Gainsville,) my midwife insisted that I was finally having them, even though I was 10 days late. After having them at steady intervals all day, and doing gnarly things like loosing my mucus plug -- so gross -- she finally told me to come on in at midnight. Surprise, I was in labor!! (Duh.) The birthing room: like the set of Jerry Springer. Everybody was yelling and cussing at everybody. If, for some horrible reason, I ever do get pregnant again, NOBODY, and I do mean NOBODY except for the doctor will be allowed in the delivery room, period.
   Then, my precious baby girl: she had a big ass head. The midwife gave me a partial episiotomy, but I tore the rest of the way. Yup, from hole to hole. I had to have 99 stitches, in my hoohah, no less. TMI, I know, but a fact, and a strong reason not to have more kids.
   After the horror of waiting for two hours for stitches, because midwives can't give stitches, and having the midwife holding the tear closed the entire freaking time, and having a doctor finally sew up your junk: fever from blood loss. And apparently I refused a blood transfusion, something I don't remember but was told that I did. Who knew? Not me, that's for sure; I can't remember jack about blood transfusions, but I can believe that in my sleepless, post labor funk I freaked out and refused, which is what they said I did. I can see me doing it, even if I can't remember.
    Because of my fever, they didn't want me to hold or take care of the baby right away, so  I barely got to see her in the first 24 hours of her life, and meanwhile I was hooked up to all kinds of shit that beeped and had all manner of needles stuck in my hands, because I have tiny veins that move, and my hands are the easiest place to stick me. Oh and by the way, she wasn't delivered until noon on the 23rd. Giving birth sucks, and you want me to do it again? And then after that, stitch care, sitting on a donut, and a crapload of pills that I had to take. Fun times. Also, me signing paperwork stating that I was leaving against the doctor's advice. Whatever, I couldn't stand that place anymore, and 10 years later (almost 11) I'm still here, so obviously, I didn't die.
   Okay, after you have the kid, it isn't so bad. No sleep sucks too, but it's better than being pregnant. Plus, now you can actually see and play with baby, a huge plus, in my book. It's the pregnancy, I tell you, the pregnancy and the giving birth. Miracle of life? I can't handle that shit. My daughter needs playmates -- what the heck are her cousins for? My sister has two playmates, all premade and ready to go. Growing babies in your uterus is no joke, and not for me. I just can't do it!

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