Wednesday, March 6, 2013

The Mad Computer Skillz Of Your Favorite Village Idiot

   I have a special relationship with my laptop. I need my laptop badly, this machine is my lifeline. I use my laptop for my online college classes, e-mail, my incessant need for Facebook, my blog, banking, shopping, and my daughter uses the laptop for her school Powerpoints and research. But as much as I need this laptop, as much as I would be lost without the thing, I still hate the machine. I mean hate. With a passion that beats all other passions.
   I am not a techie person. Oh, I love all my gaming systems, but I don't have a clue how they work. I only care that they do work. The thing is, with my Playstation, I don't have to worry about things like viruses. (There is a special hell waiting for the people who implant that shit into other's people's computers.) With my Xbox, I don't have to worry about updates installing automatically, and then totally screwing with my entire system. Nor do I hate spending money on these things, probably because they don't cost so much.
   I paid a crap-load for this computer that I have now. And at a mere 5 years of age, it's a train wreck. I spent around a grand on this worthless pile, because I'm a sucker, and in a mere 5 years, it's a piece of shit. Never again will I spend that much on a machine.
Beautiful, ain't it?
   The fact that I spent so much in the first place on this laptop means that there is no way in any kind of a hell that I am going to spend more on repairs or upkeep. In turn, this means that I have to do all repairs myself, and I am a technological moron. I'm not good at fixing shit; I break shit. And I do nothing for aesthetics; I don't care what this pile of plastic and metal junk looks like. This means that about 6 months ago, when my battery went kaput and I refused to spend the hundred bucks to get a new one, I removed the battery and permanently plugged the laptop into the wall. And when the cord refused to stay in, I taped that biatch in. Not moving now. That also means that when one of the hinges busted, and half the shell cracked off, the shit got ugly. My computer is not a pretty sight.
   The software stuff is what I worry about fixing. The stuff that keeps my programs running. I get a lot of tips from a very good, tech savvy friend. I try not to mention names on this blog, because it's open to the public, but she knows who she is, and she's a super-smart woman who has given me the knowledge to keep my shit running, because before she helped me out, I had no idea that my anti-virus program was worthless, and I had never even heard of the programs that clean your registry. Not a clue. But now I do, and I use them often. But sometimes that isn't enough, and my laptop gets all busted, like what happened yesterday evening, causing a horrid morning of computer repairs before work. None of my programs would open. Nothing. Everything would turn on, but not a thing would open. I couldn't get on the internet, couldn't use Microsoft Office, couldn't get on Facebook or do my school work, and I was flipping out, so I tried to run scans, but I couldn't open up my anti-virus programs.
   What the hell kind of damn virus did I get? I was pissed, and the first step that I always take when fixing my laptop is to spew obscenities at it, calling it every bad thing that I can think of, and threatening it's little computer-chip life. No one comes near me at this point, because I am breathing fire and smoke is pouring out of my ears, and they are afraid. Once I am done, I usually run virus stuff, but as I said, I couldn't. I couldn't even get the thing to turn off. My laptop would not shut down. So I held down the power button and forced the shut down. Then I turned my laptop back on and opened up in safe mode. My safe mode has three options, which are safe mode, safe mode with networking, and safe mode with command prompt. I always use networking, because I have no idea what that does to help fix your computer, but this option allows online access, so that I can go on Facebook and bitch about having to fix my damn computer again. This is very important to me and a necessary part in fixing my computer.
   Everything was working perfectly in safe mode, but a system restore was recommended, in case something installed was causing the problem. Well, the only new installs have been the automatic installs that happen sometimes when I power down, but I was desperate, so I did a system restore. Well, that took forever. So I jammed out to In This Moment, and P!nk, and some other stuff, and griped on Facebook, and fixed lunch, and dithered around, and finally the system restore was done. I don't think that the system restore should have taken so long, but my laptop is slow, so who knows. That did do the trick. I am now in the process of running diagnostics and all that, but at least now I can open my programs without being in safe mode.
   But when this computer finally goes kaput forever, I am going to smash it to little pieces with a hammer, and then I am not buying another expensive, useless piece of junk. Bring on the Walmart specials. 


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