I See Your Crash, Computer, And I Raise You One System Restore, New Anti-Virus Programs, And Some Duct Tape

   I don't know when this war that I am having with technology will ever end. This laptop that I am sitting here typing on is around seven years old, I think. I have to use this one because the new one that I bought LAST FRICKIN' YEAR broke down so completely that I can't even figure out how to turn the biatch on. It's dead. My friend told me that her son takes old computers out and shoots them, literally, as stress relief, and I am seriously thinking of donating one worthless, never-worked-right laptop to the cause.
   But this laptop, as old and junkie as it happens to be, is one that I can somehow manage to keep fixing, even if that does involve many mornings with all my hair pulled out and extensive usage of every single sentence-enhancing cuss word I can think of. At one time, I was thinking that I would never get a Dell again, but at this point, I am thinking, shit, at least I can keep the damn thing running when I do inevitably break it.
   Which leads to now, because, of course, this hunk of junk isn't working right. First, the thing would turn on, but it wouldn't load any of my desktop stuff, so I couldn't see my shortcuts. So I ran some diskcheck thing-y, having no ideal what that would do, and I still have no ideal what it did do, but my screen would load. But they would load sloooooooooooooooooooooow when I tried to open them. I could literally walk away, cook dinner, come back, and the thing would still be loading. So I ran virus programs and did system restores and things loaded faster, but part of my screen popped off and hit me in the head.
   You would think that would make me give up, right? Shit's flying at my head, time to throw in the towel here. But you see, I just got pissed. Started thinking, "Oh, it's on now." I am going to beat this computer. I am going to win. And also, I have duct tape. If you ever grew up in Mississippi, in the country, surrounded by rednecks as far as the eye can see, then you too would know that duct tape can fix just about anything.
   So for now, things seem to be working back to normal, which is still pretty crappy, all things said, but I don't exactly have the money for a new laptop at the moment. You see.... there where some books that I had to have... And now I have them; all 12 of them. I'm broke, but I am pretty damn content.
   But I am dealing with a picky, stubborn ass computer, than my picky, stubborn ass self is refusing to replace (again), so we'll see how often I am actually able to get on the internet and post things. I have a feeling that in the next year or so, I am going to have no choice but to replace this monster, but I am gonna hold out until the bitter end this time.

If You Are A Computer, Then I Am Your Angel Of Death

Arrgggggggggg! So I have had the new computer, the charmed, Windows 8 driven monstrosity , for barely a month, and I have killed it already. Not sure how. I was poking around online, and then the whole thing froze, and then shutdown, and now it'll turn on, but Windows 8 just seems to be gone, and since that was the operating system...
   I am not a computer wiz , not by a long shot. You know that saying, "God gives us obstacles?" I am technology's obstacle. That shit comes into my house, and I am gonna find a way to break it. Technology isn't very durable around me and often our little disagreements end in something's circuitry being fried and me scratching my head in pure bafflement.
   Since I managed to wreck that little Acer computer (unfortunately, a month is not my record, I once manage to destroy an HP in a week), I am back on the Dell, you know, the one that is all busted with the screen that is hanging on by a wire (thank goodness I didn't throw it out.) I have barely looked at my other computer, and at a later time, when I am more calm and not  thinking fondly of hammers, I will look at the Acer and see what I can manage to do myself. Last night when it broke, I was just exhausted, and at that time, the only feasible options where to actually get that hammer and bust that junker up beyond all repair, or to go to bed. Since the new computer is actually under warranty still, I didn't think the hammer was the option, so I went to bed. Since I went to be before my daughter, when I woke up at 3:30 a.m., every single light in the house was on. My daughter was snoozing merrily away in her bed, and the kitchen light was on, both hall lights were on, her bedroom light was one, the bathroom light was on, and both TVs were on. Good-bye $50 electric bill.... But I digress. We were not talking about my daughter's super power -- running up the electric bill -- we were talking about mine: the ability to destroy computer systems with a mere glance. Perhaps this ability would be of value if I were actually some kind of super hero or villain, but I have to tell you -- when you are just a single mom trying to pay some bills online, this is the worst superpower IN THE UNIVERSE.
   I am on a six day work stretch, and to top that off, I just have not been feeling 100% lately, so hunting down the warranty and the phone numbers, and then calling the customer service people, which I am sure you will all agree is always the most enjoyable, super-fun thing to do ever, will have to wait. I can't deal with this crap right now, and in the meantime, I have this Dell. This aggravating, slower-than-an-old-lady-on-a-non-motorized-wheelchair, and maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that this is just my speed when I am dealing with technology.  Or maybe I should just move deep into the mountains and become a luddite.

The Beast

The Mad Computer Skillz Of Your Favorite Village Idiot

   I have a special relationship with my laptop. I need my laptop badly, this machine is my lifeline. I use my laptop for my online college classes, e-mail, my incessant need for Facebook, my blog, banking, shopping, and my daughter uses the laptop for her school Powerpoints and research. But as much as I need this laptop, as much as I would be lost without the thing, I still hate the machine. I mean hate. With a passion that beats all other passions.
   I am not a techie person. Oh, I love all my gaming systems, but I don't have a clue how they work. I only care that they do work. The thing is, with my Playstation, I don't have to worry about things like viruses. (There is a special hell waiting for the people who implant that shit into other's people's computers.) With my Xbox, I don't have to worry about updates installing automatically, and then totally screwing with my entire system. Nor do I hate spending money on these things, probably because they don't cost so much.
   I paid a crap-load for this computer that I have now. And at a mere 5 years of age, it's a train wreck. I spent around a grand on this worthless pile, because I'm a sucker, and in a mere 5 years, it's a piece of shit. Never again will I spend that much on a machine.

Beautiful, ain't it?

   The fact that I spent so much in the first place on this laptop means that there is no way in any kind of a hell that I am going to spend more on repairs or upkeep. In turn, this means that I have to do all repairs myself, and I am a technological moron. I'm not good at fixing shit; I break shit. And I do nothing for aesthetics; I don't care what this pile of plastic and metal junk looks like. This means that about 6 months ago, when my battery went kaput and I refused to spend the hundred bucks to get a new one, I removed the battery and permanently plugged the laptop into the wall. And when the cord refused to stay in, I taped that biatch in. Not moving now. That also means that when one of the hinges busted, and half the shell cracked off, the shit got ugly. My computer is not a pretty sight.
   The software stuff is what I worry about fixing. The stuff that keeps my programs running. I get a lot of tips from a very good, tech savvy friend. I try not to mention names on this blog, because it's open to the public, but she knows who she is, and she's a super-smart woman who has given me the knowledge to keep my shit running, because before she helped me out, I had no idea that my anti-virus program was worthless, and I had never even heard of the programs that clean your registry. Not a clue. But now I do, and I use them often. But sometimes that isn't enough, and my laptop gets all busted, like what happened yesterday evening, causing a horrid morning of computer repairs before work. None of my programs would open. Nothing. Everything would turn on, but not a thing would open. I couldn't get on the internet, couldn't use Microsoft Office, couldn't get on Facebook or do my school work, and I was flipping out, so I tried to run scans, but I couldn't open up my anti-virus programs.
   What the hell kind of damn virus did I get? I was pissed, and the first step that I always take when fixing my laptop is to spew obscenities at it, calling it every bad thing that I can think of, and threatening it's little computer-chip life. No one comes near me at this point, because I am breathing fire and smoke is pouring out of my ears, and they are afraid. Once I am done, I usually run virus stuff, but as I said, I couldn't. I couldn't even get the thing to turn off. My laptop would not shut down. So I held down the power button and forced the shut down. Then I turned my laptop back on and opened up in safe mode. My safe mode has three options, which are safe mode, safe mode with networking, and safe mode with command prompt. I always use networking, because I have no idea what that does to help fix your computer, but this option allows online access, so that I can go on Facebook and bitch about having to fix my damn computer again. This is very important to me and a necessary part in fixing my computer.
   Everything was working perfectly in safe mode, but a system restore was recommended, in case something installed was causing the problem. Well, the only new installs have been the automatic installs that happen sometimes when I power down, but I was desperate, so I did a system restore. Well, that took forever. So I jammed out to In This Moment, and P!nk, and some other stuff, and griped on Facebook, and fixed lunch, and dithered around, and finally the system restore was done. I don't think that the system restore should have taken so long, but my laptop is slow, so who knows. That did do the trick. I am now in the process of running diagnostics and all that, but at least now I can open my programs without being in safe mode.
   But when this computer finally goes kaput forever, I am going to smash it to little pieces with a hammer, and then I am not buying another expensive, useless piece of junk. Bring on the Walmart specials.