Wednesday, July 24, 2013

What The Hell Just Came Out Of My Mouth?

   You remember back when you were a kid and you just thought your parents where so lame? The garbage that came out of their mouths -- If all your friends jumped off a bridge, does that mean you would too? Obviously, duh. Of course we would've, that shit is awesome and we were all adrenaline junkies anyway. And when you were a parent, if you even thought of that mind-boggling possibility at all, you were never going to be like that. You would be cool, you would be bad-ass, and all of your kid's friends would envy your kid for having the most awesome parent in the world.
    And then you are a parent and reality hits. If your kid jumps off a bridge and survives -- they are gonna wish they had died when you get through with them. Can you say grounded for eternity? I sure can. I can also say sore bottom pretty well too. And no TV or video games. What the hell kind of cool mom am I, right?
    Also, if all your kid's friends like you? That means that they are over at your house all the damn time. Eating your food, watching your TV, and getting in your way. Some parents might like that, I guess, if they have fully turned the corner and landed in batshit crazy. I haven't got there yet, so I want other people's kids to be at other people's houses. As in, not at mine.
  Try this little phrase that came out of my mouth not too long ago, "I don't care if all of your friends have Facebook pages. When they get kidnapped by pedophiles and you don't, you'll thank me." Can you just imagine the level of preteen stink-eye I got for that little gem? The stink-eye level was epic. And I didn't just get stink-eye from the kiddo, I got stink-eye from the random people who heard me. You know, whenever you say something like that, you always end up being in hearing distance of the real crazies: the stick-up-my-ass  people that think you should bubble wrap your kids and let them believe that the world is nothing but sunshine and butterflies. I've never been that type of mother; I prefer preparedness and awareness to ignorance. Or maybe they just let their kids have a Facebook page? I don't care if they did, this is totally their choice, but my daughter isn't getting one. That's my choice. But I digress.
    The thing is, when you turn into a parent, sometimes that lame-ass crap that was dripping from your parents' mouths starts to make massive sense. Last night my daughter was standing with her head in the freezer because we had just gotten back from karate and she was hot. I allowed this for about two minutes, because she had just been doing a pretty physical activity, and it's July, so it's hot, and our apartment doesn't have air conditioning. But she started acting like she was putting down roots. I mean, the energy! Kids can never fully understand the horror that is the electric bill. So out of my mouth flies, "Close the door! We aren't trying to refrigerate the whole neighborhood here!" What. The. Hell. Did I just say that shit? I feel so old now. What the hell happened to me? 

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