Monday, July 29, 2013

My Bank Account Is Begging For Mercy!

   That time of year is here again, that time of year that rivals Christmas in the sheer massive amounts of money spent, but there is a lot less joy and goodwill towards man! It's time to start getting the kiddo set up for the new school year. My bank account gets all tearful just thinking about this time of year.
   School for my kiddo starts in September, so August is the crunch month for us; the time to get that extensive list of things needed; things like backpacks, pencils, glue, yada-yada-yada. All that good shit that adds up to massive amounts at the cash register and your debit card is screaming, "NO! Please, no more!" As it's magnetic strip gets worn to nothing during the mandatory shopping spree.
   Personally, I have never understood the supply list. My daughter had to bring 8 sticks of glue one year and I was all, "What the hell? Are they letting her eat that shit at snack time or something?" Over the years I have had to buy massive amounts glue, pencils, dry erase markers, paper, pens, erasers, various coloring supplies, notebooks, binders, subject dividers,  and Sharpies. I've gone and bought the things on this list and walked away with a wallet that was at least $80 lighter, just for the friggen' shit listed previously. Are you kidding me?
    Then we have new shoes, new clothes, and the new backpack to buy. And since my daughter is growing like a weed jacked up on Miracle Grow, nothing from the previous year fits. So I hit all the sales racks, and canvass all the outlet malls, and still wind-up spending massive amounts of money for clothes that will all get passed down to my niece by the end of the year, because this weed disguised as a child won't slow down the grown spurt.
    Then once school starts, there are all those damn fees. Fees? I thought public school was supposed to be free? Somehow, though, I end up having to pay for my daughter to get this, and receive that, and by the time I am done paying all this shit, my bank account is on red-alert and my e-mail box is full of low balance messages. I'm halfway wishing I could sell a kidney to cover this expense, but she has more years of school ahead of her than I have kidneys. So that plan is short-term at best. I'll leave my kidneys in peace.
   I haven't written anything in a while because my home has been filled with company, and one of the things that all of my company has been discussing with me is the first major back-to-school shop of the year. My nephew starts kindergarten this year, my niece is going into second grade, and my daughter is starting her first year in middle school, which is going to be fun, I can tell, because the school website just informed me that to get her schedule, I have to go up there and fill out some paperwork and pay a fee. A fee?! To get her schedule?! That is truly a what the f**k moment if there ever was one.
    Good luck to all of you who are getting those kiddos ready for school, and may the damage to your bank balances be minimal. (Yeah, right. We can dream though, we can dream.) 

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