Saturday, July 20, 2013

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

   I just had three days off in a row, and all I can say is that sleeping in is super nice. I love to sleep in. But like many parents, there was a time when sleeping in was just a long-past dream. My daughter wasn't born a preteen girl who is beginning to understand the joys of sleeping in. Once, my daughter was an I'm-never-gonna-let-you-sleep-again master. All I can say is that this does pass, but by the time is passes, you are dealing with the preteen/teenage mess that comes after this stage. Like many issues in parenting, you can't win for losing.
   But once, as I stated, she would not let me sleep in for the world. When she was a baby, she used to delight in waking me up by jamming her finger up my nose. Never failed. I would wake up at 3 a.m. and have to clean us both up because she had stuck her finger so far up my nose that my nose was bleeding. If her crib had not been a deathtrap.... But her crib was, so she had easy access to my nose. And the times she did manage to make my nose bleed, she would shriek with laughter.
   Worse than than the 3 a.m. nosebleeds would be the times she would wake up with a funky diaper. She couldn't do this until she was more mobile of course, but after she got that mobility, I often prayed that she would not pee in her sleep. Because when she woke up with a dirty diaper, she would wake me up by sitting on my head. With her dirty diaper right in my nose. The horror. The horror. 
Lotsa dead plastic eyes.
    Even after she was in kindergarten, the shenanigans continued. By that time, she had gotten her mother's measure a little bit. By that age, she knew not to come over pushing and pulling and whining in my ear. But she had her methods. Her favorite one involved her My Little Pony collections. She would line those ponies up all around me while I slept, and she would twist all of their heads so that they were staring straight at me. All those big fake plastic eyes.... Fake eyes in toys really freak me out for some reason. I don't like them. And she would wake me up by having all her little ponies watch me sleep with their fake plastic eyes.
   If you don't know, then let me warn you: kids are twisted. They are twisted, diabolical little troublemakers and they will get you. You may think you have a normal child, but eventually, the weirdness will show through. Of course, you love that little weirdo, but that doesn't change the fact that kids are strange cookies. And just in case you think those preteen years means that you can sleep in safely, just let me crush that dream right now.
   It's summer vacation here, so my daughter doesn't have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn. But I still have to wake up due to the fact that I like being employed. So I still have to go to bed early, and she doesn't, which means that when I woke up earlier tonight, I noticed that all of my toenails were black. Ink pen black to be precise. On top of black toenails, I had smiley faces drawn on all of my toes. So all I can say is this; if you too have a little angel-faced, sweet-eyed girl, I pray that you are not a heavy sleeper like I am. If so, prepare yourself.  

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