I Am Not Socially Inclined; Not A Good Trait For A Cashier

   The job I have now - cashiering - that job is kind of an odd fit for me; it doesn't always make sense and certainly doesn't match my personality. I mean, I love the people I work with, and I work for a decent company, but I've mentioned before that scanning groceries is not the most intellectually stimulating job in the world: trained monkeys could do my job, but they would probably cost more in the long run, which is probably the main reason that no company hires them. That, and PETA would get all upset about the working conditions. Stand for 2 to 4 hours at a time, and you aren't allowed to sit and no water and no bathroom breaks? That shit's fine for people, but monkeys: they deserve better. That really is not the problem, or the point, however. I don't think that I am any more intelligent than the next person, I know how to hold pee in - especially since I'm not allowed to have a drink of water, and I'm not proud. Cashiering puts food on the table; that's good enough for me. What I meant when I say that I am not the best fit for being a cashier is that cashiering takes a lot of social skills, and I don't have an abundance of social skills. I am not a socially inclined person.
    Cashiers have to greet people all day long. All. Day. Long. And not saying hi, how are you? Well, that can get you called to the boss's office if the customer makes a big enough stink about it. We have to talk to people that we literally know nothing about, and making small talk all day to strangers - that's a skill, my friends. And we have to talk to all manner of people. Just today, I had to talk to a lady who was a complete spaz. She wanted someone to go ask her ride to wait for her, but a cashier can't just leave her checkstand. Walking away from the checkstand is not encouraged behavior in cashiers. So I had to call grocery to see if they would go talk to her ride. I paged grocery, and I mean, not even a second later she was saying, "Did you call them?" Yes, I called them. "But, I mean, did you call them or did you just page them?" I paged them, I have to wait for someone to answer. "But, did you actually talk to someone?" No, I am waiting for someone to answer. "Can they answer now? I mean, immediately?" Well, I sure to hell hope so - but wait - I have to tone that down, cashiers aren't supposed to say stuff like that. See? Social skills.
   And I lack social skills. I don't like talking to people. Someone says hi to me, and I am wondering what the hell this joker wants? Why are they talking to me? There is a father that I walk past while taking my daughter to the bus, and every morning he wants to talk to me. How am I? What are my plans today? It's a beautiful day, isn't it? What did I eat for breakfast? He's a nice man; very friendly. It's gotten so that I will circle around the complex, talking an extra five minutes just to walk home, so that I don't have to talk to him. Nice day? I hate sunshine. Breakfast? I don't eat breakfast; I just want to take an hour nap before I have to go to work. How am I? Effing pissed that I'm awake, that's how I am. No social skills. But I don't have to fake social skills in this situation; I can just skulk around the apartment complex like the introverted, antisocial hermit that I am. I can't skulk around the store like an introverted, antisocial hermit. I'm the 'face of the company'. I have to smile and talk and not be scary and shit.
   Gaming is another place where I don't have to be social. Games are getting social, true, and you can play them online and in packs and there are facebook games for your friends and all that good shit. Gaming used to be for nerds that lack all ability to function socially, but now, if you want to play a Facebook game, you have to have like 30 friends to get anywhere.
   Myself, I don't game socially. I stick to the old school, sit-in-the-dark-in-your-T-shirt-and-underwear-and-don't-talk-to-anyone-real games. Sure, some of those social games look pretty good, I love blowing up fake shit and fighting aliens and being a wizard and whatever, but I've just spent eight hours talking to random-ass strangers. By the time I am done with work, I don't even want to talk to my friends. I don't want to talk to people I know and like. I want to sit in my chair, stare at a screen, and growl. Can't do that and be socially acceptable, but I can choose to game offline, by myself, and then I don't have to be socially acceptable.
    I like people - well, I like some people. But liking people and socializing with them, that's two totally different things, folks. I'm not so good with the social stuff. And cashiers, they have to do the social stuff. A customer comes through my line, starts telling me their problems, and I have to pretend I care. Sometimes I do care (I promise), but most of time, I'm wondering, why they are telling me this shit? I don't want to hear about your skin rashes or sex life or creepy infestations. So yes, I am an odd fit for a person who's been a cashier all of her working life. I mean, obviously, I can fake my way through all the social stuff by now. I've been a hermit-y cashier for over a decade, so I've got the fake, smile-like-a-Prozac-addict part down. And don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I have the job and that I work with people that I can actually get along with (and even like - that's amazing) but sometimes, fulfilling the social part of the job, that's effort. That's why I earn the money I get paid; because I'm actually being nice to all these people when I just want to tell (some of) them where they can shove it, but I keep that part of me LOCKED DOWN. That's how I earn my keep, by being nice, but being nicer to people would be easier if I were, well, nicer. Hence the odd fit, but hey, we do what we gotta do. Gotta pay those bills somehow. 

Stop Being A Ninny And Show Your ID Already

   Recently, I had a major issue with a girl and a guy. Well, the issue was more with the girl than with the guy, but they were together, so for better or worse, they will remain forever linked in my mind. They were buying alcohol, and, of course, I carded them. I carded both of them, because they were a couple, buying alcohol together.
   Of all the things that you may see in a grocery store that would be shocking, getting carded for buying alcohol should never be on that list. Seeing a man leave a trail of piss is shocking. Seeing two grown-ass women get into some high-school drama fistfight over a guy is shocking. Watching a woman scream at the security cameras and then bend over, wave her ass in the air, and scream that security can kiss her ass is shocking. Having a guy pimp girls out of his van in the parking lot is shocking. I have seen all of these things, and could continue this list, but a cashier asking for an ID is not shocking, nor is it offensive.
   Even if you are a gray-haired grandma, you may need to whip that sucker out, because some stores have policies that every single person gets carded. The cashier has to follow policy, because not following policy can cost her/him their job. The legal consequences aren't so great either. Here in Washington, it's a $2,000 dollar fine, if the person you didn't card is part of a sting, and you get busted by the police, or that minor gets busted with a receipt that has your name as the cashier printed on it. That is harsh even if you have a job, but you just lost that job, and you owe $2,000. Washington's consequences are mild though, compared to other state's. When I worked in Florida, the results of selling to a minor and/or getting busted by a sting was getting arrested on the spot. They cuffed you right there, in the store, and on top of the fine, you got to spend a night in jail, no bail. In Florida, I carded everybody, and I didn't care if they were freaking ninety. Additionally, the store can also lose their liquor license, which is a huge loss in sales, and which also means that every single customer now has to go elsewhere to buy their beer/wine/hard liquor.

   But these people that I carded recently, of which this post is really about, were not ninety. The girl, who threw such a fit over being carded; mumbling obscenities, shaking her head, glaring, and eventually storming off in a fit of rage, was barely legal. She was born in freaking '91. Her boyfriend was a little older, but he was '89, so we are talking young, wet-behind-the-ears, almost children here. We aren't talking about a ninety year old woman, we are talking an almost child, who needs to go back to her mother and ask for a review on how to behave in public; that's what we are talking about.
   I'm thirty-two; I get carded every single time I buy alcohol. I've been carded as I've walked into a casino. Hell, I've even been carded when I bought a maturely rated video game. I don't get pissy at people who are just doing their jobs, and carding people is a part of their jobs, in every single case. Everybody needs to understand that getting carded is just something that has to happen, and everybody needs to not act like an asshat when they get carded. Getting carded is not the end of the world; nothing bad will happen to you if you have to pull out your ID. You won't get attacked by zombies. Missiles will not strike the spot on which you are standing. You won't catch Stephen King's super flu. A rampaging lunatic is not going to suddenly show up and shoot you five times in the chest. You won't get raptured (or left behind. No rapture, period.)
None of these terrible, horrifying things will happen. Your cashier will simply type your birthday into the computer; the process is that simple, and if you don't make a fuss, the process is that fast.
   I don't find someone possibly thinking that I am younger than I really am an insult in any case. Tell me that I look young all day long, if you want to. But regardless, if I had my way, every single person who complained about being carded would get charged double for whatever they are buying, unless they were born in the '90s, in which case, they would get charged triple. Guess everybody better be glad that I am not in charge. 

Child Haters And The Public

   While at work the other day, there was a little girl. She was a rather loud and exuberant little girl, but she was a very happy little girl as well. She very cheerfully, and somewhat forcefully, shouted "HI!!!" to every single person who passed her by. As her parents were in one of the checkout lines close to the door, she had access to every single person leaving the store, and she used that access to gleefully (and loudly) greet them all from the confines of the shopping cart, grinning and waving like a princess on parade.
   Most customers cheerfully, if with less volume, greeted her back. But because I tend to attract the crazies, I got the customer who was just pissed beyond belief by the racket. "That stupid kid," the lady complained to me, "Can't you shut her up." Because cashiers are in the business of 'shutting people up'. That's gonna go over well; I think I'll skip the legal charges that shutting a kid up, one who isn't even mine, one who isn't even misbehaving - I think I will pass those charges up. I mean, I can just see the headlines now: Cashier facing time for shutting up a little girl greeting people. I don't think so. Not this cashier.
   Unfortunately, this woman is a regular of mine. I am not sure what bad karma I wracked up, but obviously, I am paying for something, because this woman always, ALWAYS bitches about the kids in the store. They all need to be left home, apparently. And because I am on the clock, I can't tell her to piss off. I'd loose my job, hence the suspicion of some bad karma.
    But, she isn't alone in her child hating. I hear complaints about kids in the store all the time. "Shopping isn't a family experience, people need to leave their kids home." "Can't those people find a babysitter?" "They need to get that kid out of the store." "Can't someone shut that kid up?" "My kids were never allowed to through fits." I can go on. I've heard all this and more, child hating in multitudes. And it's past time for moms everywhere to address this issue.
   For me, I can't understand why people go into a public place and get pissed because said place is filled with... the public. Places like grocery stores, they don't cater to a certain crowd. They are not 21 and up establishments. Grocery stores are places where people go to buy food; often people who go to buy food have families. From this point, people bringing their families to that those families give input and help in the chore of planning the menu is not that big of a leap. Shocking, how that works.
   Furthermore, many moms do not have babysitters at their beck-and-call. They may not have much of a choice about bringing their kids to the store. Quality sitters are hard to find, and are often expensive, so even if they have one, they may not be able to justify the expense of hiring them to go shopping. Or they may feel that due to the fact that they have to work, their kid spends enough time with a sitter, and they want that kid with them for a while, even if they have to go shopping. Leaving kids at home is not always possible, so really, when people assume that moms with kids in tow had this option, and just dragged their kids to the store anyway,  that assumption kinda pisses me off. I never had that option. As a working mom, my daughter was in daycare a lot, but I couldn't leave her there to go to the store. The daycare had a limit of how many hours that a kid could be left there, and between my job and going to college, my daughter was there too often for me to leave her there to go shopping. Both my mom and my sister have full time jobs, so my daughter came with me, even when she was a small child, still learning how to behave in public. So no, parents leaving their kids with someone is not always an option.
   As for kids throwing fits; well that is never pleasant. Least of all for the parent dealing with all the judgey-judgersons. But a parent cannot always drop whatever they are doing and go home, just because the kiddo is having a bad day. Not always feasible. And we have no idea why that kid is having such a bad day. Maybe the kid is a spoiled rotten brat, but more likely, maybe the kid is tired, or feeling poorly, or just had a rotten day. As bad as kids throwing fits can be, I have seen adults behave in a much worse manner, so don't think kids have the corner on bad public behavior. And the kids, they are still learning about things like manners and inside voices; adults don't have that excuse.
    I would also like to point out that every single one of you, whether you have had children or are childless, you have all started out as children yourselves. Every. Single. One. Of. You. And at some point in your childhood, I am positive that you have made an ass of yourself in public. Maybe your mom is keeping your assholeyness quiet, but for the good of all the people who have to deal with you, I am begging her to stop right now, call you up, and tell you - in detail - about the time that you were an ass in public.
    I sure know I was. I can't even think of a specific time; I can remember so many that they are all blending together. A long blur of childhood assery that I inflicted on my parents, and in my household, discipline was not an issue. We got disciplined. So trust me, I don't need my parents to call me, I remember. What I can tell you is about my daughter.
    My daughter is a good girl. My mom gleefully awaited her, joked about getting back twice what  I had done to her, and then was dumbfounded when my daughter emerged as a 'good' kid. I get messages from teachers about how well behaved she is, I get told by family, I get told by her friends' families, so when  I say my daughter is a good kid, I am not just speaking from my own, admittedly biased, point of view. But even the best kids need to be taught how to behave in public, and even the best kids can have meltdowns and misbehave.
    My daughter had a major one when she was about four. She never went through the terrible twos, but she was hit with the fearsome fours with a vengeance. And one time, she had a meltdown right in the middle of Fred Meyers. I can't remember why, exactly, but I think her meltdown had something to do with the fact that she didn't want to walk, but she didn't want to get into the cart either. So she did what made the most sense of all, she threw herself right down on the floor of the store and started screaming her head off. And when I went to pick her up, she screamed as loud as she could, "Stop! You're breaking my arm!" Despite the fact that I wasn't even touching her arm, I got the evil-eye from about fifty different people, and had to deal with people tsking me and shaking their heads in disapproval. Being me, I took the high road (sarcasm here, folks) and snarled at them all, "Call CPS if you want to, but she is getting off of this floor."
   She never did that again, but  she is a perfect example of how a good kid can have a bad moment in public. It can happen to every parent. And parents can't just forgo buying food just because their kid isn't having the best day. So yes, when you go into a public place, such as a grocery store, you are going to deal with the public. The public includes small children. If you aren't in the mood to deal with and be tolerant of the public in general, than I suggest that at this time, you are the person who needs to spend the day at home. Come when you are in a better mood. And wear headphones. So many people wear headphones while shopping, and personally, I think that this is a really great option for people who don't want to hear the masses. But don't expect us cashiers to actually do something to 'shut kids up'. Not gonna happen. I mean honestly, if you are the type of person who would request this, chances are that we like the screaming, squalling kid more than you anyway. Just gonna put that out there. 

"Just A Cashier"

   I was working today, which is not that unusual in and of itself, as I work five days a week, but while I was working, I got one of those customers. One of those insufferable job snobs, who are so insecure about themselves that they feel the need to try and make an honest person earning an honest living feel badly about themselves. Regretfully, this happens often enough. But while I don't like ripping into those who need assistance programs such as food stamps, having been in that program myself some years back (so I know that not all people on this program are like this, not by a long shot), I really don't need the job snobbery from someone who whips out three effing food stamp cards to pay their grocery bill.
   But what makes today special, different from all the other times this has happened, was the fact that today I had a defender, and this defender wasn't myself. This defender was an elderly gentleman, who calmly stated to the woman with the three food stamp cards (something that really shouldn't happen. I had enough trouble getting one card when I needed it, and this woman pulls out three?)  "I was taught by my grandfather the value of hard work. And that if you can work hard and are willing to do whatever job it takes, you will never go hungry, nor will your family. I was taught that no job is shameful if it's honest."
   I am not sure, in this economy, that this statement about going hungry is entirely true, because there just aren't a ton of jobs, and no one can support a family on minimum wage without help of some kind, whether from family and friends or from the government. That being said, having someone stand up for me like that, someone I didn't even know, made me feel good. I am not ashamed of my job, and I wasn't going to give this woman the power to make me feel bad, but I see no reason not to allow the little bit of gladness that came over me when someone stuck up for me. And there is some sense to what he says. If you don't have a job, why can't you work somewhere like a grocery store or a fast food place until you find something better? It beats sitting around and not working at all, right? Wrong, in some people's minds. I don't understand that attitude. Work is work.
    I don't know everybody else's situation, but I can explain mine quite clearly. I have two degrees. I have an AAS  in Library and Information Services, and I have a BA in Health and Human Services. Both degrees looked good to me when I started my education. No, neither of them made megabucks, but all I have ever wanted was to be independent and able to pay my bills, so I was fine with a smaller income. The jobs interested me. Library because I love books and like working with people, human services because I feel that  I have a lot of experience under my belt in regards to partner abuse and living under the poverty line, and I like helping people come up with solutions to problems. (I did know that I needed a Master's in Human Services to do the stuff I want to do. That is a goal for the future; we all need goals to work towards.) Seems like a good fit, right? Well, as much as I like those things, I need to support my daughter.
   When I started working at the place that I work, the grocery store I won't name because I don't want to affiliate myself without permission, I thought this was a temp job while I put myself through college. Then I started working up through the pay raise system, and in order to take a job in either of my degree fields, a starting position, I would now have to take a pay cut. Also, while I was working my way up through the raise system at my cashier job, I became eligible for insurance, something that only takes about 25 hrs a week to be eligible for, when most companies insist on you making around 30 or more hrs to be eligible. Plus that insurance, covering both my daughter and I, including dental and vision, only costs $39.99 a month. That is the combined price for both my daughter and myself, and my insurance is pretty good. Those starter jobs in the fields I have degrees for have only offered part time work in my area, and offer no insurance benefits; a must for a single mom.
    Then there is the stock I own, because my store is employee owned, which I am counting as either part of my retirement, or part of my daughter's college expenses. Perks of my little cashier job, so-to-say. So while my job might not be the most intellectually stimulating, because all I do is check, that job has also allowed me to fill one of my goals: to be able to be independent and provide for my family without the use of government assistance programs. While my job may not require a degree and there are times when, yes, I am working on autopilot, I work with the best people. My coworkers are some of the best people I know, and I have my set of regular customers that I enjoy seeing and talking with while I ring up their order. I love the people I work with, even when I get that bad customer that makes my day suck. And when I get that bad customer, I know that when I get to the break room, there is going to be some coworker upstairs who will laugh about that experience with me. All jobs have things that suck, no matter what that job is. There is going to be some kind of suck factor; you kinda have to deal with that part of life and move on. I have, and I appreciate my job fully, and am thankful. I don't know what the future will bring, but if I work here for life I won't have done badly. Nothing shameful in providing a honest, quality life for your child.
   Even though my attempt to earn a Master's is on hold while I recover from the burnout I suffered while earning that BA, and while I pay off some of the student loans I have racked up, I am quite happy. Another perk of my job? Two weeks paid vacation; so while the woman with the multiple food stamps cards is doing whatever it is she does, I am getting ready for my vacation, and I am going to be visiting one of the most beautiful places in America: Yellowstone. To top that off, I'm going to be paid while I'm there.
  So think about that the next time you are looking down your nose at someone who is working an honest job. Things are not always what they seem to be, so don't make snap judgments; honest advice from an over-educated cashier. 

Things You Shouldn't Do To Your Cashier -- Part 4

   Oh the fun we have, us cashiers. We get a bad rap sometimes, and that is what these lists are for: to set the record straight. I've said before, and I will say again, I am not a customer-hating sales clerk from Hell sent to make your shopping experience as miserable as possible. If nothing else, if I were totally self-serving, that would be bad for the hours. But despite all my retail experience, I still like people. So when the line is moving slow, these are some of the things that hold us up. If we seem unhappy, these are some of the troubles that come with the job. That's all these lists are for; setting the record straight. So again, here's a list of things that should not be done if you want to have a smooth, trouble-free shopping experience. Or if you want to help me in my never-ending quest to continue to like people.

• Confidential Information Folks -- I don't give it out: I know you are thinking info about the other cashiers, and that is true as well. I am not gonna give out any detail about them or their life or their work schedules. But I am also talking about other customers. Namely their method of payment. I am not telling you if the person in front of you used food stamps. That is private. And if you saw the card and know, I am not going to talk about it with you. It's rude, judgmental, and if the tables where turned, you wouldn't like me chatting up another customer about your private financial matters. 
• I Am Not The Bank: Cash back; it can be an issue. I would love to give you fifty ones, but I can't. I don't have enough in my drawer and I have to be able to serve the customers behind you. We are supposed to give our supervisors at least fifteen minutes notice of money needs because they are doing 5,000 things at once, and cannot just drop everything to take our cash order. If things are running smoothly, I can take at least three big order customers in that fifteen minutes -- probably more. I need change in order to make change. Makes sense, right?
• My Eyes Are Not A Debit Card Reader: I can't look at your card and tell you the balance. Yes, people do this. If you have food stamps, you have to run your card and put in your pin. If you have debit, you have to go to an ATM, the bank won't let us check that. Seems that they think your financial information should be private. Banks are funny like that. 
• Alcohol: Don't buy alcohol and then go drink it in our public restroom. Why would you do this? Why?!?!
• I Don't Need Help: When I am scanning items, I don't need you to push more items onto the scanner. This really messes things up. Usually things get double scanned and then I have to void. If I am weighing produce and bulk and you push something heavy on there, you end up paying a lot more for that weighted item unless I void it all and redo. If I void to many times, my register locks up and I have to get a supervisor key. Which means that you and every person behind you has to wait even longer. Hope you aren't in a rush. 
• Babies Cry: What the heck am I supposed to do about it? 
• Don't Give Your Kid A Toy And Then Make Me Take It Away!!!: What is wrong with you? I am not your kids' authority figure. I am my sister's kids' authority figure, but not yours. I don't even know you, and I feel like scum. That poor kid got his/her hopes all up because you handed them a toy and then you make me take it away? And now your kid is all crying and looking at me like I am a DEMON FROM HELL. Thanks for that. 
• You're Not Smiling Big Enough: If that's all you have to complain about, you have it good. Be happy.
• Code All Bulk Food Products: You want to know a secret? I don't know white rice from jasmine rice, but one is more expensive. Please code that stuff. Bulk food sections in every store that I have ever been in, working or shopping, provide pens for that very reason. And searching for the code in my register computer; that takes forever. We have multiple pages lists, and things are not always in the spot you would expect. Unless you want to wait while I look... And wait, and wait, and wait. 

   And in case you missed the first three lists, here are the links to them: List 1  List 2   List 3

This now concludes today's list of things you shouldn't do to your cashier.

Twisted Tales From Two Customers

   I've not been feeling so swift lately, which is not too unusual in and of itself. I have a daughter in public school, a sister who teaches daycare, and a mom who's a nurse. Germ city at my house; I always seem to have something brewing.
   I went to work though, because face it, as yucky as I feel, I just haven't been sick enough to call out from work. Especially since my work is super-strict about call-outs. That seems to be what most people get fired over, calling out to often. So I sucked it up and went to work. Well, this past week, two customers have stood out in my mind. One customer was mine, and one went through a coworker's line. Both were kinda ridiculous, although I believe my coworker's story blows mine right out of the water. So I'll start with hers.

Prayers To The East

   My coworker was working her line when her customer asked her which way east was. Now, she's a bit like me in the fact that she can't tell you what way east is. I can't. I mean, if we had compasses we could, but our work is checking. There isn't a lot of need for knowing which way east is in the checking business. So when the customer got angry and demanded to know which way was east is because this customer apparently needed to know so that they could face that way for their prayers, my coworker was really nice and started calling around to find someone who could tell what way east was. I would have just shrugged and said that I was sorry, so I am taking the time to point out that this was really nice of her. 

   I believe the person at customer service was able to point her east, but when she relayed this information to her customer, her customer was not thankful. My coworker did not get gratitude for going out of her way and out of her job description to help this customer face east for their prayers. What she got was rudeness.

   "I knew which way east was," the customer said, "I just wanted to show you Americans that you don't know everything, like you think you do." And then the customer went to the end of the isle and knelt down and prayed right there, in everybody's way. 

  

  I was going to let the rudeness of this story speak for itself, but I do think that I am going to have my say. This coworker is one of my favorite people to work with, and she didn't deserve to be treated like this. So I'm just going to say this: If I were traveling or looking to relocate, I would not go to a place that I so obviously hated. This is a big world. I can't think of any place that I hate so much where I would treat everyday, average citizens in this manner, but if I ever do find such a place, I won't go there. If, for some reason, I was forced to go there, well, I was raised to be polite regardless. Rude is rude, no matter what reason you think you have, and as I said, I don't believe that my friend deserved to be treated like this. 

Milky Apples

   I was checking, and not feeling too swift, as I have said, and I didn't notice anything amiss with the order. Usually I will notice if there is milk all over something, but I did miss this, and that's my bad. So when my customer was bagging his groceries (my store is a bag-your-own-groceries place) I was surprised when he exclaimed, "There is milk all over my apples!"

   Now, this is not as unusual as you might think. Milk cartons were not meant to be laid on the side, and they will leak out of the top when laying on the side. A lot of people don't know this, but any cashier does, because we are always having to clean up spilled milk. 

   I was already checking out another customer, but I stopped and I got paper towels to clean off the guy's apple bag and explained to him that this is what must have happened. But he didn't want to hear any of it. "There is nothing wrong with the milk container, it's dry." He says, brandishing the milk container in my face. Well, they do tend to be dry when they have leaked out of the top while laying sideways, so I said so, but still, he argued, "No, you must have done it while you were checking."

   Wait, what??? 

   "What do you mean?" I asked.

   "There is milk all inside the bag too, you had to have put it in there while you were checking."

   "I didn't pour milk into your apples," I said, and I am more bewildered than grumpy, because he was watching me the whole time, so I was trying to figure out when he thought I had poured this milk into his apple bag. There was a lot of milk in that bag, but you could tell that the milk had leaked out of the cartoon. You can see through those cartoons and it wasn't as full as it should be. He had to have had the milk laying on it's side on top of the apple bag, so that the milk could drip into the bag. 

   But I didn't argue; like a good little cashier, I offered to refund the money. 

   "No!" he yelled, "I guess you thought I just didn't need those apples!" And he stormed out, without taking the apples. I was a bit befuddled, and the person that I was currently checking out was laughing. 

    Because we checkers always pour milk into our customers' apple bags. It just makes sense. 

Judgmental Intolerance Is Bullsh*t

   If you put together a list of all the things that I hate the most, intolerance would be pretty close to the top. Child abuse and rape vie for the top spot, and frankly that should tip you off to how badly I hate intolerance. I don't care who you think you are, what religion you follow, and what excuses you can make, intolerance is a poison and letting something that is a poison have sway in your life, your viewpoints, your morals, is sheer dumbassery of the highest order. 

   I can talk about all types of intolerance, and sooner or later, I probably will, but today I want to talk about the intolerance to the disabled community, because that is what I dealt with earlier today. In the job of cashier/checker/sales person, whatever you decide to call the job that I do (think lots and lots of groceries) you run into every type of person, from every walk of life. And the store I work in gets high traffic from the disabled community. We get the blind, the deaf, the wheelchair bound, the mentally disabled, and often their caretakers, be they family or professional. 

   And today a regular and his caretaker came through my line. I know them, not very well, because I don't know intimate details from their lives, but I know his name and I talk to him every time and sometimes he likes to give me high-fives after I hand him his receipt, which happened today. 

They don't all work the same.

   I would have liked to give the moron in the back of my line who was mocking him a high-five to the face. With my divider stick. The thing about my customer is that he has some type of mental disability. I don't know what, I don't think that it's autism, because I have some limited experience with that, and I don't think it's down syndrome, but his mind hasn't developed. He is an elderly man, but he's like a child. He's gone through several professional caretakers, because I see him with one person for a few months, and then someone new. I don't know why; these are things that I don't ask customers. But regardless, whenever he is in my line, he acts like a happy, energetic child. And here is this complete asshole being completely intolerant, completely judgmental, and that just pissed me off. Made me see red; made my anger want to come out and play. 

   So here I am counting, taking deep breaths, going through the anger management motions, because no matter the provocation, if I beat a customer down with one of my divider sticks, I am gonna get fired. That's the kiss of death in single mother-land, and I can just kiss my new apartment goodbye. No job = no apartment. 

   But I need to make my frustrations known, and so I am going to post them here. This blog is open to the public, anybody can read it, so maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and think twice about being an asshat. So to the guy who was mocking my customer:

   I don't know why people get a kick about picking on people who are different than them, but even if, for some unknown, unfathomable reason you think that you are better than someone; why would you waste your time on something so asinine as making them feel bad? What is the purpose? Personally, I think you do this to cover up your fear and insecurity. Mental health is a blessing, and one day you might suffer a head injury, or dementia, or Alzheimer's, or any number of things, and then you will be on the other side. Is this how you hope that people will treat you? And disability? This is something that is going to come to most of us as we age. People lose their hearing, their vision, their function of limbs all the time. Not being impaired is a passing phase: a blessing that most people take for granted. When the time comes and you are impaired, or someone you love is impaired, is this how you want society to treat you/them? Treating people like this does not make you funny, make you strong, make you better. Treating people like this makes you weak. You. Are. Weak. 

Things You Shouldn't Do To Your Cashier Part 3

   I was going to stop. I made the first list, and then I made the second list, and that was going to be all, because I don't like sounding like a customer hating biatch. But then I went to work, and my coworkers were all, "I didn't see this on the list, and this needs to be on the list." And they were right. (Thanks for the input! And thanks for reading!) The things they mentioned are completely worthy of the list. So I promised a part three; you see, this third list is really for my coworkers..... It's not just that I like to flap my fingers on the keyboard and make my opinions known to the world. And so, in collaboration with my coworkers, part three of the list:

• We Are Not A Daycare: Forget something? Need to go back and get it? Well, take the kiddos with you. Don't leave them in the care of the cashier checking your order. (Oh, yeah, happens aaaaall the time.) Do you know daycare workers are supposed to be certified? Well, I don't know about the rest of my coworkers, but I haven't taken any STARS classes (certification classes in WA, if you are not in WA, insert correct certifications here). I don't know CPR either. You kiddo chokes, about all I can do is thump him/her on the back, but even if I did know it, we are not a daycare. Watching your kid is not a part of the job we are paid to do. And really, you are awfully trusting for this day and age. As a cashier, I do not have to pass the type of background check that a daycare worker does; I could be any kind of freak. (I mean, I'm not, but how do you know that if you don't know me?) As a parent: I don't think much of your parenting skills.
• Munchies: Hungry? Have to eat your food before you get to the checkstand? Okay, I get it, food is delicious, but could you stick to eating something that does not have to be weighed? How am I gonna charge you for that product if you're busy digesting it?
• Read The Signs: This is a bad one, and unless you are illiterate, there is no excuse. My work has a no cart zone, because all of the expensive alcohol is in this teeny-tiny area; there is a place to park your carts and signs EVERYWHERE. And still, people bring in carts. If you take out one of those shelves though, you are liable to end up purchasing thousands of dollars worth of spilled liquor. No good to you on the floor, and if I buy liquor I expect to be able to actually drink it (or cook with it, as the case may be) but -- you didn't read the signs, so your liquor is getting sucked up by the mop. The mop is thirsty; the mop thanks you.
• If Your Kid Opens It, Don't Stick It Back On The Shelf: I see this all the time: usually with candy. I get that kids are fast, and the really young ones don't quite understand what they are doing (although some of the older ones do this too, and you aren't going to convince me that they don't know they are doing something wrong). But when your kid opens up a package, I'm sorry, but you need to buy it. We can't sell it now, and it's not like this was an accident. I get that sometimes they are fast and you can't stop them in time; I'm a parent too - I've been there - but you're still gonna have to suck it up and plunk down the cash. 
• But Not On A Moving Conveyor Belt!!!: Please, why on earth would you put your money, check, whatever, on a moving conveyor belt. It's gonna get sucked into the crack! Which happens to be a black hole. I had this happen with a WIC check once, and I had my manager, my supervisor, and myself totally taking my whole checkstand apart, and we still couldn't find the dumb thing, and we can't replace that. It's gone. I have never understood why people think placing money on a conveyor belt is a good idea. (Bad!!! Bad!!!!)
• No Fighting In The Store: This is not the local bar, or the set of Jerry Springer. What kind of fool gets in a fight in a grocery store? Stop sniffing the cilantro; it's messing with your head. Or else let me film it and post it on YouTube. 
• Don't Put 300 Dollars Worth Of Groceries In Your Cart When You Only Have 50: Yeah, you're optimistic. You're not gonna be able to get all that though, so why waste your time putting it in your cart, and waste mine when I have to put it back? I understand that sometimes people misjudge, and have to take a few things off -- I'm not talking about this. Nor am I talking about the unfortunates who leave their money at home on accident. I'm talking about the people who come to the line with 3 loaded down carts, and then say that they only have a tiny amount of money. You're kidding, right?

   So thus ends Part 3 of the list. This might really be the end, but it might not. I'm not gonna tie myself down one way or the other; I've learned better now. If I get a lot of good suggestions, there may just be a part 4. Why? Because these lists make me laugh, and as I said, this one wasn't even entirely from my own head. My coworkers gave me plenty of suggestions. Meaning they are reading my stuff, so why wouldn't I write about what they want to read about? 

Things You Shouldn't Do To Your Cashier Part 2

   So I've made this list before, but as I said, I left some things out in the first list (<--- link to first list.) This was because I didn't want to come off as hating all customers, because I don't. Mainly, however, the blog was getting really long and no one wants to read a 10 page article on things that get on cashiers' nerves. Yet, in retrospect, I think that I have left some things off that I feel are major pet peeves, so here is part 2. Without further ado, enjoy the list:

• No Underwear Money: So gross. I've been handed money from bras and I can tell you this: no matter how hot you think you are, boob sweat is gnarly. Dudes are actually the ones who usually hand money straight from the underwear; they don't have bras to stash their cash, and all I can say is: guys, would you want to handle money that's been possibly rubbing up against some strange ball sacks? No? Neither does your cashier: get a wallet. Last, I am going to include socks. Not really underwear, but money that smells like funky foot reeks a cash drawer out. Keep your toe jam, boob sweat and ball sack cooties to yourself!!!
• No Flirting: I know this seems harmless, but I don't appreciate being hit on while I am trying to be professional. Professionalism doesn't come naturally to me, but if you are the type who can gracefully accept a no or evasion, then this really doesn't apply to you. I had a coworker who was hit on by a customer, and he wouldn't leave her alone, and when she finally told him to back off, he went and complained to management about how unfriendly she was. Not cool!!! Shame, shame, knows your name (did anyone else grow up with that chant?)
• WIC Checks!!!!: For those of you that do not get WIC, this program is for pregnant and nursing women, infants, and children up to 5 years of age. The checks have a specific list of items and amounts that the person can get. These checks are time consuming, even when the owner of the check gets the items right. But many people try to replace items, in order to get things that they like better. WIC does not allow this, so please! Don't do it. And if another store lets you get Fruitloops (so not allowed), don't expect me to do it; I don't work there and I wanna keep my job. Go to that other store, fruitloop, and stop slowing me down. 
• WIC Checks Again!!!!: These suckers can be a real problem. And this is an ID issue, we saw several of these issues in the first list. WIC requires picture ID or a signed WIC folder. Notice the stress that I have put on signed. The folder is not valid ID if it is not signed before you come into the store.
• Don't Tell Me An Item Is Free: An item doesn't scan the first time, the customer invariably exclaims "Must be free!" No, and I know that (most of) you are joking, but I hear this so many times a day. The joke is tired. 
• We Get Breaks And We Get To Go Home: It's always ugly when a lane closes. I understand that you don't want to wait in line, but you need to understand that by law, I get breaks. I don't come to your place of work and razz on you when you get to take your break. And I don't live at work; when the time has come for me to go, I get to leave. I have a little girl waiting at home, a sitter waiting to be relieved, and a million household cares to take (ha! -->) care of. 

   So here are the additions to things that you should not do to your checker, and a lot of you are great and wouldn't do these things. I appreciate the fact that you wouldn't! If everybody had that attitude, then I wouldn't need to make these lists! Of course, then I wouldn't be able to write up these long lists, but I can find other things to write about. So lets not do these things and I'll spend my time writing about demonic, possessed furniture and evil furbies. Shiny! (Yup, I am watching Firefly as I write this.)

"You Know Too Much"

   I had an elderly woman and her daughter come through my line, and at first they weren't so much to commit to memory. Nothing really unusual, just a daughter helping her mother. Then when the time had come to pay, the elderly woman hands her daughter a very large amount of bankcards. Split payments aren't hard to do, so that was no big deal, but the daughter tried to apologize to me anyway.
   "I'm so sorry. I don't know why she has all these cards." I assured her that this is no big deal, and as she started sliding them the elderly woman is telling her to put twenty dollars on this bankcard, thirty on that bankcard, one hundred on the next and her daughter is fussing, "Mom, you have too many cards, why can't you put all your money in one spot."
   "What if something happens to the bank? All my money would be gone," and she gives the daughter the final card, and the daughter slides it and puts in the pin without having to ask her mom the pin number. She hasn't had to ask her mom for any of the pins; clearly, paying in this manner is familiar to her.
    The elderly woman, however, gets this cunning look in her eye, and in as ominous voice as she can muster, intones "You know too much."
    "What? What are you talking about?" the daughter demands.
    "You know too much," the woman repeats, "You aren't supposed to know all my pins."
    "Momma, we do this every week," the frazzled daughter says.
   "I was watching Investigative Report-"
   "Oh lord," the daughter interrupts, her face having a 'here we go again' expression on,"You watch too much TV."
   "And they were talking about identity theft," the elderly woman continues, as if the daughter hadn't spoken, "Everybody isn't supposed to know your numbers."
   "But Momma, I'm not everybody; I'm somebody," the daughter exclaims, exasperated.
   "You never can tell." The elderly woman says. The daughter walks away in a huff as I hand the elderly woman her lengthy receipt, and I am laughing by now, because I can't help it. Frankly, I want to get a bag of popcorn and sit back and watch this show: these two are hilarious. As the elderly woman takes the receipt, the she gives me a huge grin and a realization strikes me.  She has been messing with her daughter's head the whole time! This is great, and all I can think is that I want to be just like this woman when I get older. She's exactly the type of woman who whacks the unsuspecting with her cane and causes mayhem in the nursing home. In other words: this woman is now my new role model. 

Fish Heads

   I live in a fairly diverse community, so the customer base for the store that I work in is (duh) pretty diverse. We have some of everybody, and are glad to have them. However, this means that our inventory must reflect that diversity. As I work in a grocery store, this means food. As in, some people eat strange things. They eat pig feet and chicken legs and turkey tails. They eat chitlins and beef tongues and chicken hearts and tripe. All kinds of strange things that I would never in my life want to look at, much less eat, but hey, to each his/her own, right? Usually when I am ringing these items up, I try to pretend that I am not holding, say, a tongue in my hand. No, not even covered in plastic packaging could I really handle that if I fully thought about what I was touching. See, some people like to try all manner of things to eat, and these people are very courageous. Me: I am a food coward. I'm not eating that. Uh-uh, no way, I am NOT hungry today. Or tomorrow. Or any day that you are serving anything that I am afraid of. But some of my customers, they don't let me ignore what I am ringing up. They revel in my wussyness, take joy in my food phobias.
   One of the foods that I have a phobia for: fish heads. I don't even know what you do with fish heads, but we sell them. And one customer in particular, an Asian guy, he buys them. And he gets in my line. And he purposely lines them up so that all of their dead, fishy eyes are staring straight at me!!! I look down at the belt to grab the next item, and I'm looking into fish eyes. Dead, glazed fish eyes that have no bodies. Oh, I just jump a mile. And this jumping must be why this man keeps getting into my line, because his smile, oh lordy his smile: it's twice the size of Texas. I look at him with my huge, 'I'm afraid' eyes and he just sits there with this cheshire cat grin on his face. I have made his day. Well, I'm glad someone is having a good day. Not that I blame him. Because if I had a use for fish heads, and I knew a cashier like me, I'd totally do the same thing. Good job, customer, good job.

No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service: What About No Pants???

   This is a tale from my retail past; a field that I have been in for many, many years. Though I currently live up North, I lived in the South for most of my childhood. At first, Mississippi, but after I caught the preggers bug, I moved to Florida. Now, I know you are thinking, "Florida! Why did you move from the sunshine state to rainy, rainy Washington???" Well, before you go off thinking I am crazy, I did not live in the nice parts of Florida, like Miami or Tampa or Orlando. I lived in a rural ghetto. Yup. Rednecks as far as the eye could see, and not the nice ones that you see on TV. Not the funny ones that get their own shows and are clean, no. I mean the dirty, unwashed mean ones that smelled like liquor and weed, with feral dogs that wanted nothing more than to chew on your face. The urban ghetto gets gangsters and turf wars; the rural ghetto gets angry burly bear-men who own shotguns and face-chewing dogs. Neither is a good place to live, but I digress.

   In my old home in Florida, we were a cut off people. The closest store was about a 25 to 30 minute drive, but  I could do it in 15 minutes on a good day, and I could have driven it blindfolded if I had too. Now why was I so familiar with this drive? Because I worked at that closest store, that small oasis of food that you didn't have to grow or hunt. I mean, you could drive out another 15 to 20 minutes, depending on traffic, to get to the nearest Walmart, but most people just didn't have the gas, even back then, when gas wasn't $4 a gallon. 

   There is this sign that small, country stores tend to post, and we all laugh at that sign  posted on  windows and  front doors. Ya'know, the one that states: No shoes, no shirt, no service. Many of you think that this sign is unnecessary, but us workers in the retail field, we can tell you different. We can tell you of all the people who come in barefoot, bare chested, with a complete disregard for a sanitary environment and a total lack of dignity. I understand that in Florida, the weather does get a tad bit toasty, but come on! Flip-flops and tank-tops are completely acceptable, people!

   Well, I had thought no shirts were the worst I was going to have to deal with. But one day I was working the customer service desk, and in this store customer service was right smack-dab at the entrance, so on top of all the other typical customer service duties, we had to monitor the customers coming in (and those going out. Theft is a common problem in retail.) I was working the desk, as I had said, and in came this man, no shirt, all his chest hair and man boobs proudly and shamelessly on display for the entire store to admire.  I made motions to the supervisor, because I didn't want to deal with him. I could tell he was trouble.

   "No shirt! No shirt!" he yelled when confronted by said supervisor, "Well guess what?! Your sign don't say no pants!" And he stormed out. The supervisor and I looked at each other in horror, and she called all the managers to the front of the store, because they were guys, and us little girly-girls did not want to deal with Mr. Winky.  Uh-uh. No way. Of course, all those manly protectors didn't want to deal with Mr. Winky either, until my supervisor (a true kick-ass Southern lady) stated that if they didn't want to deal with him she had a gun in her car and she was more than capable of shooting the snake. Yeah, they couldn't really let her do that, as tempting as this offer was. He did come in, with Mr. Winky flapping in the breeze, and was promptly thrown out again, with much cursing and yelling on his part, exclaiming vehemently that we were infringing on his rights. Whatever you say, but I think that my rights are that I don't have to see your neither regions. And all I'm saying, is while we might think that those signs are common sense: the truth is that they need to be upgraded.