Happy (Almost) Mother's Day

Better than flowers and hangs right in the entry.

   Mother's Day. The day to celebrate the perfect mother: the one who has perfect hair, and perfect clothes, the perfect body, and the perfect culinary skills. Okay, whatever. Now put the fake mommy delusion back on the shelf with the rest of those sentimental bullshit Mother's Day cards, and let's celebrate real moms.
   Real moms know that stepping on a lego or a toy car is the best way to find out how many cuss words you can say in under a minute, because that shit HURTS. We watch our kids somersault off of the back of the couch, ricochet off the wall and slam face first into the coffee table, and then get up like nothing happened and laugh at us because we are making hilarious faces while we recover from the massive heart attack that we just experienced. Real moms stay up until four in the morning with sick kids, then turn around and get up at seven to go to work and pray to God that they do not end the day explaining to the police why they turned into a homicidal maniac.
    We aren't perfect. We are real people, and we have days when the kiddos are gonna damn well eat some corn dogs or hot pockets because if we end up in the kitchen today, someone is gonna die. Our houses look lived in instead of spotless because cleaning up after kids is like trying to dig your way to China; no matter how much work you do, there is still more dirt. We get blood on our good clothes because we need to clean and kiss a boo-boo and make it all better. We try not to gag as we clean off buggery faces while we wonder why the hell the kiddo's snot is that strange-ass color. We assist in making mud pies, in planting stick gardens, and building forts.

She made it black because that's my favorite color. 

   When the kiddos need help with homework, we are the ones furtively sneaking online, because we can't even remember what the heck the quadrilateral formulas are, and we bite our tongues and suffer through it even though at no time since the end of school have we needed to know quadrilateral formulas, which is why we can't remember them in the first place. We encourage the entrance of experiments into the school science fairs while hoping desperately that nothing blows up or catches fire. We go to school choir concerts instead of rock concerts, and we chaperon field trips even though we don't feel like dealing with other peoples' kids. We laminate artwork, and hang that shit up on the wall like they are priceless masterpieces, because to us, they are.
    This is being a mom. We can't be described by some sentimental poem on a Hallmark card, because we are better than that fake piece of perfection. We transcend the need for perfection, because the best mom; she's someone real: someone who makes mistakes. She's someone who gets up and holds the house together even when she feels like she is going to explode. She has mornings when she yells at everyone because no one seems to be able to get their ass in gear, and she has evenings where the dishes are going to stay dirty because she needs to go to bed early and forget that the stupid day ever happened. This is motherhood; this is what we celebrate on Mother's Day. So happy Mother's Day, to all you real moms out there. I hope you have a great day.

Warning: Angry Barracudas

   My daughter has reached that age: the age where she wants some alone time, she needs some privacy, and hugging Mom in public is not that cool anymore. This time is a somewhat sad time for me because I have to let go a little, and I don't like letting go. She isn't quite as bad as a full-blast hormonal PMSing teenage girl, but I know that this time is coming. I've heard all the horror stories, I remember my own teenage angst, and I am as braced as I can be.

A bedecked door. Do Not Enter.

  Of course, there is some relief that she is not as bad as I was. I can say this with some authority, because I was already a known troublemaker at the tender age of 11, and my daughter is not. I was also not the popular girl; I had a few friends, and my bestie, whom I equate to sister in my head. My daughter is doing better in the friend department, which I hope means more support for when she does slide down that estrogen induced mania of teenage girl drama. This could also mean more peer pressure, but I have to be somewhat optimistic here.
   One thing that I can be sure of is that my daughter will do her teenage years unlike anyone else. She already has some claim to unusual behavior, and her latest venture into weirdness is how she goes about claiming her private space. She has recently acquired the desire for some privacy. Before, she would follow me around like a lost little puppy, but now she locks herself into her room, occasionally popping out to mess with my head by telling something insanely weird, but mostly arranging her stuff and guarding her property. Like a dragon guarding it's hoard.
   In an attempt to give everybody a fair warning, she's plastered her door with warning signs. Do Not Enter. Angry Barracudas. Wait, angry what? Where the heck did she get barracudas from? Ask her and she just covers her mouth and giggles. She's also posted warning signs stating that her room is 'Home of the Blob.' What the heck is the blob? Ask, same giggle. I don't trust that giggle.
   You know what this means, right, kiddo? Mom isn't gonna be cleaning your room up. Since her room isn't under the water, I am fairly certain that I will be safe from angry barracudas, but what the heck is the blob? Repeating myself, I know, but this sign was posted to mess with my head. My daughter knows me well.

Beware the fish???

   All jokes aside, all kids need a little privacy. Don't get me wrong, if I even suspect something's amuck, I'll be nosing in to make sure the is nothing fishy (<--haha--) going on, but we all need some me time. Especially in my little estrogen shack. Girls need space from other girls; cat fights are ugly. Having no comparison, I don't know if boys are the same, yet I imagine that they need some space too. But sometimes moms just have a hard time letting go. So to all momma birds who are having to take a step back so that little birds can spread their little wings: you are not alone. I share your pain. The plus side is that one day, we will get to see those little birds fly. 

What Being A Mom Has Taught Me.... So Far

   Being a mom is a job, being a mom is a choice, and being a mom is something that you work at every single day. Like any important role in life, being a mom is something you learn from, something that changes you, hopefully for the better. Being a mom is a work in progress; you don't have to be perfect, but you do have to be willing to learn and willing to put in the time, tears, joy, and effort.
   My child is not grown, and even when she is grown, I suspect I will always be learning from her and helping her to grow. All I need to do is look at my own mom, who took me back in when I had nowhere else to go and was at one of the darkest points in my life. So I imagine, no - I know- that this list is not complete. There will be things that are missing, because my daughter is only 10 going on 11. I am far from done. But I do feel that I can put out this list, because being a mom has taught me some of the most important lessons of life that I have learned thus far. So here is the list of things that being a mom has taught me, and remember, I don't put things in order, ever:

1. Nothing is better than spending a Saturday with your child doing things that people say will rot your brain (i.e. watching too much TV and gamer marathons) 
2. There is never going to be enough money so learn to make things last, make things stretch, and get creative. 
3. If you don't put your child first, they are not going to put you first either. This includes putting your child over jobs, school, and other people.
4. Read a lot, and make books available to your child, because reading is really important, especially once they start school.
5. Find the people who will be there for you through thick and thin, because you are going to need them. 
6. Don't forget to be the person who is there for someone else through thick and thin. Make sure your child is one of those people you will always be there for.
7. Kids' cartoons today suck so make sure you buy them some Looney Tunes and Animaniacs on DVD (or Blu-ray). 
8. A happy home trumps a clean house -- don't stress over the toys on the floor, the dishes in the sink,  that pile of dirty clothes, and that layer of dust. Just don't let things get moldy.
9. Teach your kids manners and how to behave because no one is going to like your kid if they are rude-ass little shits who are climbing up the walls and beating up all the other kids. 
10. Let your child be different than you - they are not carbon copies. 
11. Keep an open mind and an open heart. 
12. You aren't going to like all of their friends. If the friends aren't taking your kids down the path of drug abuse and other bad stuff, just keep your mouth shut. Do you really think it's likely that your kid likes all of your friends?
13. Listen to the things you kids have to say. 
14. Work hard, but play often.
15. Pay attention.
16. There is not enough sleep in the world and coffee is a necessity. 
17. Make sure your child always knows that they can come talk to you about anything, and that you will believe them and be on their side if someone is being mean to them and/or hurting them. 
18. Be a tiger when it comes to protecting your child.
19. People are going to judge. Learn not to care. 
20. Try to be the best person you can. Yes, you will mess up, but deal with your messes and be someone that you want your child to be, because they are always watching their Momma.