Thursday, May 8, 2014

I'm Turning Into A Dragon

   There is a ball of fire currently residing in my digestive system. Now, some people might think that this is indigestion; my sister favors acid reflux disease herself. She diagnoses everyone with this; and once she was actually right, and her friend actually did have acid reflux. She takes this as confirmation of her diagnosing skills, but to quote a saying that tickles my funny bone, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day."
   My problems stem from stress; I've been under plenty lately. And all this burning, that resembles that heart-burn-y feeling is really a symptom of something else: dragon fire. Yes, you read that right, stress is turning me into a dragon. Literally.
   The first thing that I plan to do once the transformation is complete is eat all the stupid people. Consider this a public service. We could use less stupid people, and I even have an order in which I plan to eat the dumbasses. First off, I am going to eat everyone that has pulled me into their own personal dumbassery; I do NOT appreciate the added stress to my already stressful life. Second, every single Prozac-saturated fool who has ever made any statement similar to "Come on, why aren't you smiling? You need to be happy." No, I do not need to be happy. But, in regards to smiling, the lack of a smile does not indicate unhappiness or anger or any other negative emotion. Sometimes people just have a resting face, especially when they are concentrating on something, like say, doing their jobs, for example. But demanding a smile, now, that is sure to cause a hell of a lot of unhappiness. For all you sunshine-y, bubbly, my-shit-smells-like-roses people, most people do not smile 24/7. Kinda makes you look insane when you do.
   After the drama queens and the smile-whores, I am going after all the people who refuse to read the signs that are posted, and then I am going to go after all of the people who argue in favor of the people who refuse to read signs. If you don't read the signs, and then get blindsided by the fact that a store has an unusual policy, then you can only blame yourself. Few people do, however,and I am getting damn tired of hearing, "What the hell do you mean, you don't accept credit?!" Well, you were warned, not my fault you decided not to read.
   Then I am gonna eat every single person who tries to bully cashiers into lowering prices because the price was lower last week, and you don't want to pay more for the same product. It's called inflation, and your cashier didn't cause it. We suffer from rising prices as much as the next person, and I don't want to hear about how you can't afford to pay an extra 20 cents when you are sitting there texting on your Iphone, with your Coach bag and your foodstamp card ready to slide. Suck it up; be a big girl. Plus, cashiers just randomly changing prices to a lower cost without there actually being a mislabeled price or without management approval technically is considered employee theft. One place I worked for actually had a term for it: sweethearting the bill. Thanks for expecting people like me to steal for you. Oh, and somewhere around here, I am also going to go after all the deadbeat parents out there, just because, fuck them. I'm also, while I am about causing mayhem and chaos, going to destroy all the crappy computers that only work a quarter of the time, because those technological headaches aren't helping anybody.
   The order is up in the air after that; I'll get around to all the stupid people eventually, but I figure if I eat all of the dumbasses in the world at one time, I'll get another stomachache, and frankly, I already am having issues with a sour stomach. And I'm cranky as all-shit. I'm sure many of you are also familiar with the joys of stomach issues caused by stress. And you'll all be joining me, I am sure, in my transformation from fairly nice, half-way decent person (if a little hermitish and introverted) to insane fire-breathing dragon with anger management issues. The world just better consider itself warned.

((****note*** to every person out there who does not have a sense of humor, yes, this is a joke/rant meant to relieve some of my stress, because the only thing about this that isn't a joke is my stomachache.))

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