Saturday, December 14, 2013

Sometimes We Just Need To Be Angry

   'Tis the season to be jolly, and usually, I am jolly at this time of year. I love Christmas. But I am not jolly right now. I am the furthest thing from jolly, in fact, that I could possibly be. And I am gonna snap at the next jackass who tells me to smile or that things could be worse. Well, of course things could be worse. Things can always be worse, and I know that right now, I have friends going through things that are far worse than what I am going through, and my heart bleeds for them. The fact that their misfortunes are worse than mine does little to make me feel better, however. I'm not entirely sure that they would want me to feel better just because they are having a harder time than me. That's a crappy reason to feel better.
   As for smiling, sometimes that small movement of muscle is the hardest thing to do. Faking a smile, contrary to popular belief, does not make you feel better. I know; I work in customer service, and I fake smiles all day long. ALL DAY LONG. Doesn't make a bad day better. A real smile, yes, that would probably help, but sometimes, that just isn't forthcoming. And I think that this is okay, sometimes. Don't get me wrong, you don't want to wallow in misery. You don't want to work on feeling badly, blotting out every single good thing because, dammit, you feel bad. That is not what I am saying. What I am saying though, is that sometimes you are dealt a crappy hand, and so long as you don't let that anger or sorrow, or whatever emotion you are feeling, stop you from pushing forward, then it's alright to just feel badly and admit that you are not a happy little ball of bleeping sunshine.
   It's been a rough few weeks for me. My daughter is dealing with a harsh grading system in school, and for the first time, she has found herself struggling with bad grades. We are dealing with family drama from people that I really wish I could just cut out of our lives, except that legally, I can't. And my daughter has dealt with a creeper at the bus stop. Not a fun time for us, and on top of all that, we deal with the usual drama that people like to pile up on you during this time of year. You probably know what this drama is, so I won't bore you by making the list of all the little petty bullshit things that people like to start pulling out and airing during the holiday season.
   And people keep saying, "Be happy, Marie." And I'm all like, "If you would just give me two f***ing seconds to be pissed, I would be a lot happier."
   Maybe that doesn't make a lot of sense to you. But to me, this makes the ultimate sense. Sometimes people just need time to be mad. Then, they can get over whatever they are mad about, and start to feel better. Especially when they have good reason to be mad in the first place. I mean, my daughter and all the other kids waiting for the bus, they were all harassed by a pervert creeper while waiting for the bus. Isn't that a good reason to be pissed? Why do I have to smile at you right now? The answer is: I don't.
  That doesn't mean that I won't, eventually. I have a lot of things to look forward to. My daughter's honor choir concert is coming up, and I always like to go hear my baby sing. This coming weekend, my whole family is also going to go see the Pacific Northwest Ballet's version of the Nutcracker. Plus, I really love Christmas! And I have the best daughter ever, and a good life. So yes, I will feel better. But right now, I'm pissed, and I see no reason not to just let myself be pissed. We've gone through a lot of bad things these last couple of weeks, and I'm tired and stressed and disillusioned, and dammit, I'm really freaking mad. I do have the right, and also the need, to have that emotion. At times, we all do. If you want to see a happy, rainbows-coming-out-the-bung-hole person, go put in Mary Poppins. She ain't here, though, so don't look for her. 

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