Benefits Of Gaming

   Strike not having a good, week, I've been having a bad month. Things just aren't going right. I say that not to garner sympathy, but to clarify that I am in a BAD FUCKING MOOD. I've been in bitch-mode for weeks now, just so we can set the tone here a little. I've had to cancel plans, I've had to downsize my grocery bill, and I've had to pay a bill or two late, and I HATE paying bills late. I can't stress that enough. This month constitutes the first month I've paid a bill late in over three years, and yes, I remember that, I can say that for sure, because the last time I paid a bill late was December 2012. I remember that shit. I have anxiety attacks when I pay shit late. It's like, two days late, and I think they are gonna shut my cable off and turn off my electricity and own my friggin' soul, over the overdue doctor's office copay. Yeah, something's wrong with me; my sister calls it paranoia. Whatever.
   So I get on facebook, because maybe taking to some of my friends will help me feel better. But whenever you are feeling badly, getting on facebook is a bad idea. After two seconds, I'm having a heart attack because someone's been shot, someone's committed hate crimes, someone's hurt children, someone's hurt animals, and there's been a twenty car pile up or some God-awful shit, and everyone has posted the videos, and for some reason, all those damn videos start playing as soon as you get on facebook. It's like, shit, you thought you were feeling bad before; look at this bullshit stupid assholes get up to. Don't you feel better now?
    No. No, I don't feel better after looking at all that evil shit. Makes me wonder sometimes if those end-of-the-world wack-os are on to something, because damn, all this bad stuff. And I already feel bad, so it's like an endless spiral of badness that I can't seem to break out of.
   But I feel better now. Why? Not a damn thing has changed. But I just spent two hours killing darkspawn and red templars, so somehow, I just feel better. And now I can deal with shit just a little bit better, because I took the time to do something fun, that I enjoy. So that's my sage advice for the day. Maybe it's not worth a crap, but maybe it is. If you are just feeling like everything is overwhelming you, go kill darkspawn. And take Blackwall with you, because he approves of that shit.
   Sometimes we just need to take a step back and take a time out. And yeah, I know that the real world is still there, and yeah, I'll deal with it, but sometimes we all need a break. That's what today's post is about. Just take a friggin' break - before you snap. Maybe it's common sense, but just earlier today, I was fretting myself in circles over issues that I've already done all I can to fix, and all that's needed is a little time and patience. It's had to have common sense when you've got yourself that worked up, and who doesn't ever get worked up over financial issues every now and again? Fix what you can, and go find something fun to do. Break time - and right now, that means I have an Inquisition to build. Bye folks. 

My Finances Give Me Anxiety Attacks

   Payday: a day that everyone should look forward to. Money in the bank and all that jazz. But here I am, looking at payment schedules for my student loans, looking at the cable bill, electric, and rent, looking at credit card payments (yeah, yeah, I know), looking at the grocery bill; basically, I am looking at all the money that I do not have anymore. Oh, money, you slip through my fingers so damn fast. I hate you money, but at the same time, I have to have you: I need you. I feel like I'm talking to my drugs or something, but it is what it is. If I were richer, perhaps I wouldn't have this love/hate relationship with money, or perhaps I would just have more bills.
   Every payday I go through that wonderful anxiety attack induced by paying my bills. I'm not entirely sure why I have these anxiety attacks; I always manage to pay all the bills. I've never been short. Sometimes we have to get a little skimpy on the grocery bill and have some mac n cheese nights, but really, who doesn't ever have to do that? Most people have experienced the wonder of a mac n cheese payday. So I'm not really sure why I feel the anxiety that I feel. Maybe because all of my adult life, I've been poor. I'm doing a lot better now. I guess I still fall even with that good-old poverty line, but for all of the years but the last one, I was under that line, so breaking even with that line is a step up.
   But the point is this: I've always paid my bills and I don't pay them late. I don't get cable termination warnings. I don't get the power company stalking me and threatening to turn my power off. No nasty notes from the landlords on my front door when I get home from work; even my credit card company never has to call me all like, "Marie, pay your bills, please." The only calls that I used to get were from those people who stole my information and then would attempt to try to get me to pay for fake loans that I never took out, and since I changed my number, the only time the bastards can call me now is at work. Which is annoying, to be sure, but most of the times, I don't even get those calls because as a lowly cashier (joking here, folks) personal calls are not allowed, thank God. They do attempt to e-mail me, but e-mail has that lovely little spam button... it's awesome. I wish we could spam phone calls.
   Back to the anxiety though, I really am not sure what causes this feeling. Maybe it's because I'm still getting phone calls for Tara, even though I've had this number for a year and a half now, and Tara's bill collectors have all been notified that this is Marie's number now, but they don't believe me. Bill collectors are like blood hounds when it comes to money, so around every payday, I start getting calls about Tara. Her rent check didn't clear. She owes someone money in Las Vegas. She's being taken to court by so-and-so. Tara, my friends, is in big financial trouble, and because her effing bill collectors won't stop leaving messages on my machine, I am privy to all of Tara's financial woes. Because bill collectors are stupid assholes, I also know Tara's address, the last four digits of her social, and her last name, but I won't put that here. In fact, if you know a Tara, and if you are thinking, "Shit, is she talking about Tara, so-and-so!" then the answer is no, because I changed Tara's first name. Tara is not actually her name, but I believe in protecting my fellow debtor's information. But that's off track, and to get back on that track, maybe what I am feeling is sympathy anxiety??? Maybe I am worried about Tara??? I don't know.
   I really don't know. Maybe my anxiety is leftover stress from my days of extreme poverty, maybe I am feeling this anxiety because I'm worried about Tara, or maybe I just don't like giving other people the effing money that I worked my ass off for, even if I do legitimately owe those people that money. Or maybe it's just the fact that the kiddo is growing like a weed, she's fixing to be out of school for the summer, which means no more school meals, and my grocery bill is gonna triple. Who knows? Not me. All I know is that payday is the day where I add up all the money that I no longer have and consequently have anxiety attacks. A lot of you, I believe, are probably familiar with this feeling, so let us ban together now and have moment of silence for money that is forever gone from our lives. Solidarity and all that good crap. Or misery loves company. Something.

Goodbye, sweet money. I'll miss you.