Dead-Beat Parents And The Reasons We Love Them

   We talk about things with people whom we consider friends all the time. We say things to adult friends that we can't say to our kids, bring up topics that kids should really have no part of, and I was in a conversation of this nature a couple weeks ago. The topic of the day: child support. We mentioned in this discussion that if the parent doesn't pay child support, the state can arrange to take that owed money from earned employment checks, income tax, ect. You get the drift. 

   And then I was gobsmacked because someone started talking about how that this wasn't right, that the parent paying child support might need that money. In fact they said, "They put the child over the parent? That's not right." Wait, what? Yes it is. Regular readers know that typically, I try to not be judgmental. I try to see both sides of an argument. That doesn't mean that I change my own opinion, but I do try to see where the other person is coming from. 

   I don't see the other side to this argument. I refuse, in fact, to recognize it at all. YES, THE CHILD COMES FIRST. End of story. 

   I am a wordy person, so I won't leave you there. I will explain my reasoning here. Firstly, I understand that children come unplanned. My daughter was unplanned. But, sex leads to kids. You can use precautions, I did, but they are not always 100%. Sex leads to kids. And the kids that come along, they didn't make you go have sex. They had nothing to do with that. But now you have a kid. So put on your big girl/boy pants, and deal with the kids when they come. 

   Let's get this straight - I am not against birth control or condoms. Use them; I am not saying don't. But understand that they do not always work. When they don't, well, now you have a little breathing, feeling, living responsibility to deal with. Don't like that ideal: don't have sex. Or get your tubes tied or a vasectomy. To my understanding, even these extreme methods can fail, but there you have it. 

    So now we are past that. Sex=babies. Got that covered. Now let's get to the next argument. I never married. I was in an abusive relationship; I did not know that the relationship that I was in would downgrade into the rotten state it ended in. So I am not gonna be one of those people screaming at you that all people must marry. I don't care who you sleep with, I don't care how many, I don't care what gender, I just don't care. Whatever your personal beliefs are, some relationships end, and they are meant to. This isn't a religious piece meant to shame you into marriage. And sometimes, the person left with the prime custody of the kid did everything they could, gave every chance that they could safely give, and still ended up as a single parent. This happens. I know this, because this happened to me. Whatever your beliefs are about whether parents should be married or not, the kid still needs to be taken care of. Hence child support, because while, yes, there is more to raising a child than money, there is still a financial aspect to raising kids. 

   If you do not feed your child, they call CPS. If you do not provide your child with clothing, they call CPS. If you do not get your child medical attention when they need it, they call CPS. All of these things cost money. Financial aspect. Kids=money vacuum. 

   There are good parents out there who have not remained together romantically, but co-parent, sharing equally the various responsibilities, financial and otherwise. The type of people who end up with court-ordered wage garnishments are not usually (sometimes, but not usually) in that category. Sorry, but they aren't. Kids need love, they need time, they need guidance, and the type of people that we call dead-beat parents, they don't generally help provide these things on a regular basis. Cards at Christmas and birthdays do not count if they are the only contact, just to clear that up. Kids need a lot of things, but you can't court order love. You can court order money. Child support is sometimes the only thing that a child will get from one of their parents. Isn't that the saddest thing ever? I think so, but back to the issue.

   There is not a single reason in the world that an able-bodied, healthy person can not find SOME KIND of a job to pay that child support and support themselves. If they have to work two jobs flipping burgers, then that is what they need to do. They aren't having to worry about day care, are they? They don't have the restricted hours that a single parent finds themselves saddled with because they need to be home some part of the day for little Suzie or little Johnny. The problem is that a lot of these dead-beat parents don't want to work; they bitterly complain about the 'free' money that the other parent is getting, not realizing that child support barely covers a fraction of the expenses that raising a child accrues. Unless the parent paying child support is rolling in the dough, and honestly, in America, how many of us are finding ourselves in that position? The wealthy make up what, like 3% of our citizens? I think I read that somewhere, but even if that is off, it's not off by much. And even if you are, if you have kids, you need to pay for them. Especially if you are not doing a single other thing to help them. 

   I know that this is a bit of a bitchy rant, but you are never gonna get me to see that kids don't come first. They do. They just do. Kids come first. Get over it. 

Mom Versus Mom: Just Plain Wrong

   There are a lot of opinions out there about what style of mommyhood is the best. We all have opinions about what is better for the kiddos, what is harder on the mom, what is better for society, and so-on and so-forth. And having your own opinion is good, because you need that to decide what is best for your child, yourself, and your family. But society doesn't just stop at having an opinion. They have to hold a competition; a competition so fierce that we find ourselves jumping down each other's throats to decide which moms have the harder job, and the even more disturbing conclusion that some people are not taking the proper care of their children because of the lifestyle they had. I know that I have had people get in my face about both being a single mom and about working, saying that my choices have hurt my daughter.
   Here's the parenting issue the way I see it, because I have played mom in every style; I was a stay-at-home mom once, I'm now a working mom, I had a parenting partner with my daughter's father until that went south, and I'm now a single parent. There are variations to each of these styles, but I have at least some form of experience in all the basic styles that I have listed, and from what I can tell, being a mom is a hard job no matter what style of parenting you choose. And unless you are doing something like beating your child with a brick and/or telling them things like they are worthless, then there is no wrong way to parent. (If you are abusing your child, then I hope karma tears your throat out.) Let me explain this, from my own experiences.
Stay-at-home mom: You never get a break, or a vacation, or a lunch - shit- you can't even take a shit by yourself. Your adult interactions become very limited, you may have a good partner and loyal friends and family, but a lot of your day is spent talking to kids. You don't earn a salary and thus have to depend on someone else to earn it. You have to listen to bullshit cracks about eating bon-bons and watching daytime TV. You are often taken for granted and never get a raise or promotion. No sleep ever.
Working Mom: You have to leave your kids with someone else. You may get away for a while, but all the chores are waiting for you when you get home. You are going to miss important stuff while you are at work. You are losing your hair from worrying about your kid while you are at work. You get in trouble for calling out when your kid is sick, which happens all the time because daycare/school incubates germs. People try to shame you for not staying home with the kids and putting them in daycare. No sleep ever.
Single Mom: All the bills are on you. You either have to leave your kid and get a job, and be judged for that, or get on assistance programs and stay home with your kid, and be judged for that. You have to take care of every little problem that arises, from sick kids, to trouble at school/daycare. You are both mom and dad. People like to judge you- a lot, and a lot of people out there equate single mothers as women with loose morals, which is neither fair nor true. No sleep ever.
Duel Parents: You have to compromise about how to raise your kid. Just because you have help doesn't mean you aren't going to get overwhelmed with parenting stuff. You are going to be judged and held accountable for every little disagreement that you have in front of the kids. The lack of sleep, stress of raising a kid, and disagreements about how to raise your kid can cause tension in your relationship - and people are going to judge you for that too. No sleep ever.
   Of course, these cover the effects on the mom and not the child, some would say. However, a happy home strongly influences the children in question. Shortly after I became a single parent, my daughter made the statement that even though there were some people she missed, she was happy we moved (from Florida to Washington) because I didn't cry anymore. In our old home, she had gotten to the point where she panicked whenever I was out of her sight. In my single parent home, she became more independent, more outgoing. After seven years of being a single parent, my daughter is in the GATE (gifted and talented education) program, and has been these last three years. She is a green belt (with a black stripe) in karate. She is popular in school and though a little shy in new situations, becomes engaged and shows her zany, friendly, sunny side to people quickly once she is used to them. I make sure that we get our quality time together, and all signs indicate that I have made the right choice for her. Does this mean that every mom should make my choice? No; I am in no way saying that my choice is the only choice for everybody. My choice wouldn't be right for many of you, but based on the circumstances of my life, my choice was the best for us, so who has a right to judge me for those choices? The way  I see things, nobody has that right.
  There are going to be cons in every style of raising a child -- but this does not mean that one is better than the other. They all have their pros too, and being a mom is rewarding no matter how you are pulling your mommyhood off. Every mother makes the decision on what she needs to do -- stay at home, work, be single, be with a partner -- based on the circumstances and variables of her life. The decision that one woman makes would not be right for another woman, because her life is different. But the things that are the same is that we are all moms trying to do what is best for our kids and make better lives for them. So why are we being so judgmental, so competitive about  who is better? Why aren't we banding together and telling the rest of the not-moms who are judging us to piss off? If we could get along, and help each other out, those judgey-judgersons out there would have a hell of a time pulling us down, but we are doing their work for them, by being at each other's throats and trying to put one choice above the other. It's wrong. We are a sisterhood of mothers, and we should have each other's backs. 

No Normal People Here

   You never think that your kid is really listening to a word that you say. At least, I don't. Asking a kid to pick up can sometimes take five requests before they stomp off in anger exclaiming, "You make me do everything!" Yeah right. Get a job, pay the bills, and then come talk to me about who does everything. But I digress. Those moments with my daughter don't happen often, because she's a good kid, and also, she knows better. But still, you wonder how much they actually listen.
   Well, I found out, they listen, but what they listen to is the weirdest, most random shit that comes out of your mouth when you think nobody is listening, and they take that randomness, and they turn it into their motto, their goal, the ultimate truth.
   I discovered this one day in what I thought was going to be a normal (haha, normal) conversation with my daughter. "Momma, am I weird?" she asks.
   And my momma radar starts flashing and here I am wondering if she's getting picked on at school or something, so I reply, "No. You're not weird; you're normal."
   And you would have thought that I said she was ugly, smelled funny, and had a pizza face and crappy hair. I halfway expected her to breath fire at me, that's how mad she was.
   Stomping her feet at me, "I AM NOT NORMAL!! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT! I'M WEIRD; I AM NOT NORMAL!"
   Calming her down took me forever, because while at one time she wasn't very good at throwing fits, a certain person (Grandma!!! Traitor!) took one look at her attempted fit and told her she needed to practice. So my daughter did, because she is a perfectionist (she didn't get that from me) and she wanted to throw excellent fits, so now she does. And while I was trying to calm the raging beast that was my daughter, I flashed back to certain conversations, ones where people were telling me that I needed to do this, or I needed to that, or that my way wasn't normal. And what was my response? "Normal people suck." And who is always right there with me, because I have helicopter mom tendencies? Yup, the munchkin; and she took the fact that her momma said that normal people suck as gospel. Normal? Don't you dare call her that.
   Don't worry, daughter. No one who puts their earphones up their nose, plugs their ears up and then opens up their mouth to see if the music will come out of their mouth is normal.
   Normal people? Not in this apartment. 

The Awesome Box

   I've been packing in hopes that my application to move into an apartment will be approved. Packing for me is a way of positive thinking. And really, the only reason they could disapprove my application is credit. Mine is bad, but that is a song that probably every single parent could sing. It's hard when you only have one income; this is a two income world. And my credit isn't too bad; it's all hospital bills and student loans. The student loans are even all in good standing, but they make my debt-to-credit ratio high. I am a worry-wart, so as a way of keeping positive, I am packing. And I am packing things that I use practically every day -- the power of positive action.
   One of the things that  I am packing is my gaming equipment. I am a gamer; I don't know if you would call me hard core -- I take bathroom breaks and eat and sleep and go to work. I don't ignore my family over a game either. I'll never understand why some people do that. Games do not trump human contact. And I am never going to be the smuck who died because they gamed for 72 hours straight with no breaks. I mean, since giving birth I need to pee every two hours, and I need to eat. I am NOT going without food. But I do usually game daily, even if only for 30 minutes. And I've packed all of my gaming stuff. What am I going to do with myself until I move??!!
   As we have been packing, my daughter and I have been painstakingly labeling each and every box. We don't want to get into our new apartment and not know what is packed in each box. There are things that we are going to need right away, and there are things that can wait a little. Gaming stuff cannot wait. In reference to this, and in acknowledgement of the value of the items in the box, I have labeled my gaming boxes Awesome Boxes. Well, my daughter thought they needed to be labeled better than that. I don't see why, I think Awesome Box explains it all. If you have a box labeled kitchen supplies, and a box labeled awesome box, which one are you going to open first? If you answer kitchen supplies, my next question is-- How often do you lie and has this been a problem for very long? Of course you are going to open the awesome box, and what could be in an awesome box that was better than games, consoles, and equipment?

One of our labeled Awesome Boxes. 

   But my daughter took my sharpie from me and painstakingly made a list of what was in each awesome box. I have talked about our differences before, and this is one of them; my daughter is a little more orderly than I am; I tend to be chaotic. I suppose that this labeling is better, in the long run. Now I know what box has my PSP, and what box has the Wii. But they were all going to be opened on the first night of our arrival, regardless. The awesome boxes rule!