Mom Versus Mom - When Will It End? (Part Second)

   Sometime last week, I had someone really hurt my feelings. Someone I admired, someone who probably honestly just thought they were helping: just giving some friendly advice. What they did was they just talked to me about how much better a stay-at-home mom is then a working mom. Better because a stay-at-home mom is home with the kids more, and so the kids are not neglected like a working mom's kids are; better because they home school, so their kids are more educated then my child, who goes to a public school; better because they are more nurturing, more hands-on, and that I really should be that way as well.
   This did really hurt my feelings, because I am a working mom. I have to be - either that or be homeless. Or, about eight years ago, I could have decided to remain in an abusive relationship that was harming me in every way possible, so that I wouldn't have to be a single mom. Considering my choices, I believe that I have made the best choice possible. But regardless of whether anyone agrees with that or not, all I can do is say: my daughter is not neglected. She is taught morals and ethics -- by me, not the TV, or the babysitter, or the public education system. In short, I do my best.
   Yes, she is in public school, but she is in a pretty decent one, and I talk to her everyday about her day in school, and sometimes, I even volunteer. I do my best, and while I am not against homeschooling, for us, that was never an option in the first place. I believe that academic teaching requires a certain skill set, and frankly, sometimes I still have to add on my fingers. I am lacking that skill set required. Now, I agree that there are some teachers in the education system who unfortunately are lacking that skill set as well, but I keep a close eye on my daughter and the work she does, and what she is learning, and if she still likes school, and everything that I can possibly think of that might signal that she has run afoul of one of these teachers who should not be teaching. But my daughter's education is proceeding nicely. She is a smart girl, and she knows she can talk to me, and I have some high hopes for her future, and my working is not infringing on those hopes. In short, I do my best.
   Sometimes I am not home. Sometimes I am at work, but I check up on her throughout the day. She always knows when I am supposed to be home as well, and I am never late, sometimes to the dismay of my supervisors, who just really wish I could stay late because we are slammed. Sometimes my scheduling requirements means that I get the short-end of the stick when it comes to hours, but I do my best not to complain, because I am capable of creative budgeting and in the end, I am really grateful that I work for someone that understands that I am mom first, employee second, and the job keeps my daughter fed, under a roof, clothed, and insured. I have to be the nurturer and the money-earner all in one, but I am always there when my daughter needs me, because whatever job I work, I am Mom first. In short, I do my best.
    I have argued before that we need to stop judging each other as parents, and stop with the one-way, and one-way only mentality that we have towards parenting, but sometimes it just really feels like we are never going to stop. I could have gotten on here and argued why my way is better, why my daughter is learning independence, critical thinking, and how to interact with the real world, but in all reality, that's as much a crock of bullshit as the saying that my daughter is not as nurtured or as well educated. We all parent according to standards that best meet the needs of our lives, and that is the only way to do this thing called parenting. A mom who wants to stay home should not feel like she is less than a working mom, and a working mom should not feel like she is less than a stay-at-home mom. One does not negate the other. One does not take away the value of the other. Different does not mean wrong, and that is the message that I want to get across here. Different is okay. And even though we may differ in our methods, one thing remains the same - we all just do our best.

Mom Versus Mom: Just Plain Wrong (link to the first blog post that I did on this subject, written 1/23/13)

Mom Versus Mom: Just Plain Wrong

   There are a lot of opinions out there about what style of mommyhood is the best. We all have opinions about what is better for the kiddos, what is harder on the mom, what is better for society, and so-on and so-forth. And having your own opinion is good, because you need that to decide what is best for your child, yourself, and your family. But society doesn't just stop at having an opinion. They have to hold a competition; a competition so fierce that we find ourselves jumping down each other's throats to decide which moms have the harder job, and the even more disturbing conclusion that some people are not taking the proper care of their children because of the lifestyle they had. I know that I have had people get in my face about both being a single mom and about working, saying that my choices have hurt my daughter.
   Here's the parenting issue the way I see it, because I have played mom in every style; I was a stay-at-home mom once, I'm now a working mom, I had a parenting partner with my daughter's father until that went south, and I'm now a single parent. There are variations to each of these styles, but I have at least some form of experience in all the basic styles that I have listed, and from what I can tell, being a mom is a hard job no matter what style of parenting you choose. And unless you are doing something like beating your child with a brick and/or telling them things like they are worthless, then there is no wrong way to parent. (If you are abusing your child, then I hope karma tears your throat out.) Let me explain this, from my own experiences.
Stay-at-home mom: You never get a break, or a vacation, or a lunch - shit- you can't even take a shit by yourself. Your adult interactions become very limited, you may have a good partner and loyal friends and family, but a lot of your day is spent talking to kids. You don't earn a salary and thus have to depend on someone else to earn it. You have to listen to bullshit cracks about eating bon-bons and watching daytime TV. You are often taken for granted and never get a raise or promotion. No sleep ever.
Working Mom: You have to leave your kids with someone else. You may get away for a while, but all the chores are waiting for you when you get home. You are going to miss important stuff while you are at work. You are losing your hair from worrying about your kid while you are at work. You get in trouble for calling out when your kid is sick, which happens all the time because daycare/school incubates germs. People try to shame you for not staying home with the kids and putting them in daycare. No sleep ever.
Single Mom: All the bills are on you. You either have to leave your kid and get a job, and be judged for that, or get on assistance programs and stay home with your kid, and be judged for that. You have to take care of every little problem that arises, from sick kids, to trouble at school/daycare. You are both mom and dad. People like to judge you- a lot, and a lot of people out there equate single mothers as women with loose morals, which is neither fair nor true. No sleep ever.
Duel Parents: You have to compromise about how to raise your kid. Just because you have help doesn't mean you aren't going to get overwhelmed with parenting stuff. You are going to be judged and held accountable for every little disagreement that you have in front of the kids. The lack of sleep, stress of raising a kid, and disagreements about how to raise your kid can cause tension in your relationship - and people are going to judge you for that too. No sleep ever.
   Of course, these cover the effects on the mom and not the child, some would say. However, a happy home strongly influences the children in question. Shortly after I became a single parent, my daughter made the statement that even though there were some people she missed, she was happy we moved (from Florida to Washington) because I didn't cry anymore. In our old home, she had gotten to the point where she panicked whenever I was out of her sight. In my single parent home, she became more independent, more outgoing. After seven years of being a single parent, my daughter is in the GATE (gifted and talented education) program, and has been these last three years. She is a green belt (with a black stripe) in karate. She is popular in school and though a little shy in new situations, becomes engaged and shows her zany, friendly, sunny side to people quickly once she is used to them. I make sure that we get our quality time together, and all signs indicate that I have made the right choice for her. Does this mean that every mom should make my choice? No; I am in no way saying that my choice is the only choice for everybody. My choice wouldn't be right for many of you, but based on the circumstances of my life, my choice was the best for us, so who has a right to judge me for those choices? The way  I see things, nobody has that right.
  There are going to be cons in every style of raising a child -- but this does not mean that one is better than the other. They all have their pros too, and being a mom is rewarding no matter how you are pulling your mommyhood off. Every mother makes the decision on what she needs to do -- stay at home, work, be single, be with a partner -- based on the circumstances and variables of her life. The decision that one woman makes would not be right for another woman, because her life is different. But the things that are the same is that we are all moms trying to do what is best for our kids and make better lives for them. So why are we being so judgmental, so competitive about  who is better? Why aren't we banding together and telling the rest of the not-moms who are judging us to piss off? If we could get along, and help each other out, those judgey-judgersons out there would have a hell of a time pulling us down, but we are doing their work for them, by being at each other's throats and trying to put one choice above the other. It's wrong. We are a sisterhood of mothers, and we should have each other's backs. 

My Bestie Takes On The Snake Pit

   Not many people are as lucky as I am when it comes to besties. I have known my best friend since I was 9 years old. We weren't best friends at first, just kinda knew each other and were neighbors, and then she moved to Florida for a while. When she came back, we really started to click. We started going every where together, doing everything together, living in each other's back pockets. She's three years younger than me, so we didn't hang out at school, but after school we were glued at the hip.
   And we are still close. Many people grow distant from the friends that they grew up with, they move, grow apart, fight over stupid things. Well, we did fight over stupid things, and usually those stupid things were my fault, but we never grew apart. We moved, and now I'm a single mom of one who holds a job and goes to college in Washington, and she's a married, stay-at-home mom of two in Mississippi, who also goes to college. And anyone who is a stay-at-home mom knows that only a complete and total bad ass can fill this role. Stay-at-home moms have thankless, payless jobs and often have to listen to way to many bon-bon cracks. No vacation, sick time, promotions, but they do it anyway. (Not knocking us working moms, our jobs aren't easy either.) God bless stay-at-home moms, and you are all in my ultimate bad ass book, but I digress.
   One of the best kept secrets about my bestie --she's a total bad ass. Not many people get to see this side of her, but I have many times. I can tell you: you've gotta watch those quiet ones. I wouldn't mess with her; she is fierce. She is, as she reads this, probably thinking that I am full of shit right about now. But I'm going to prove you wrong. I'm going to tell you the story of the snake-pit. Oh yeah. I have a snake-pit story.
   We grew up in the country. My Dad owns five acres of land, and from age 9 to age 15, this is where I lived. Though the surrounding land has now been flattened and made into cow pastures, the land was once lush, Southern wetlands. And my bestie's, my sister's, and my favorite past times: exploring. We were always in the woods. We made our parents crazy. They could never find us and we always came how soaked (we had a habit of jumping into every creek we could find) and mud stained (you have to DIG for the crawdads, now. How else were we supposed to catch them?)
   The story takes place while we were deep in the wetland/woods, with myself leading the way. I always lead the way, but my bestie always got us home. That girl has a compass in her head or something; she was never lost and could always get us home, no matter how deep into the woods we went. Well, I was leaping over this funky pit in the ground because I didn't want to step in it. Holes in the grounds in the woods are not always what they seem, especially when the floor of the woods is actually kinda swampy. And it's a GOOD THING that I did not step in that hole because I would probably not be here today. My sister jumped over the hole, and my bestie was about to, when it raised up it copper-colored head. A copperhead. And closer inspection revealed more than one.

Freaky, huh? Imagine finding a pit of these.

   I know you are thinking, well go around the hole, but this wasn't as easy as sounds. Wetlands, remember, we were on the only dry strip of land. Around us, untested waters. We didn't know how deep that water was, or what was in it. Mississippi has water moccasins, alligators, and snapping turtles (doesn't sound as bad? They'll take your toes clean off, my bestie still has scars from one that took the top of her toe off when we were jumping in a creek.) We did jump into creeks, but this was a bigger body of water than that and the water was murky as hell. We couldn't see a thing. So we were kinda at a loss, my sister and I, because we were way to scared to jump back over the freaking snake pit. Our parents had firmly ground into our heads: copperhead = death. Without a word my bestie takes off, and we thought we were abandoned. Well, we did get around the snake pit, we took the plunge and got in the water, getting back on land as soon as we were past the snakes. But we were lost without our compass, until we found her (or she found us, uncanny, that one), running back. She had dashed back to my house, quick as a flash, gotten the BB guns that my dad had gotten us for Christmas, and was on her way back: fully loaded and ready to take on some snakes and rescue us. Although as an adult, the thought of a 12 year old girl opening fire on a snake-pit  with a BB gun makes me cringe, at the time she was taking on a pit of death for us. Can't get more bad ass than that.
   Not all people see this side, but this is just one time out of many, that I have seen her bad ass show. She's all grown up now, but this just means that she is even more of a bad ass. Sometimes people don't realize this, but believe me, after 20 years of friendship, I know. I wouldn't mess with her, but on the other hand, she is the best friend you could ever have.
   (By the way, neither of our sets of parents ever heard this story, so I'm now a tattletale.)