I Guess I'm One Of Those Moms (How Did That Happen?)

   I am a total, panic-attack, helicopter mom, and I really don't know where this tendency came from. My mom was not inclined to panic at all. I fell of my bike once when I was a kid, landed on my face, and everything was all swollen and bleeding and there was my mom saying, "You'll be fine." If my daughter had done the same, I would have called an ambulance, the fire department, the police, and I would have done my damned best to press charges against the effing bike; I'd do all this knowing, knowing, that I was being a complete moron, but that knowledge still wouldn't have kept me from going over the bend. And my mom would be right there next to me, rolling her eyes at me for all she was worth and telling my daughter, "You're gonna be fine." So with my mom as an example, I don't know why I seem to be wired to be this type of mom. You learn from example, right? Apparently, wrong.
   Growing up, I never wanted kids. I had Barbies, sure, but I spent my Barbie time doing things like drowning them in the tub, flushing them in the toilet, burying them in the backyard, and painting their faces with war paint because they were gonna go slaughter the cabbage patch kids, who I painted green, because I wanted them to be aliens and had to improvise. I didn't tenderly rock baby dolls to sleep because they freaked me the hell out (still do), and I didn't want them in my bed. In fact, the very fact that dolls were in the room with me often led me to go get in the bed with my sister (sorry sis). I've just never trusted those dead-eyed little creeps.
   I was the girl who put spiders, frogs, and lizards in my pockets,causing my mom to fear laundry in a way that I never will (even though I do despise that chore). I was the girl out catching grasshoppers, and that tea set -- well the teapot made a perfect grasshopper cage. When my dad was wondering how in the hell all the grasshoppers were getting into the house, well, he never checked the teapot.
    I got older, and nothing changed. I never wanted kids. My friends started getting pregnant young, the youngest at age fourteen. I was never gonna have kids, nothing that any of my friends went through made having kids seem like a good idea. To be sure, kids with kids of their own is never a good example of what pregnancy and babies should be like (although all the ones that I am still in touch with are great moms, even if they did start young), but those where the examples I had. The area that I lived in after we moved to Mississippi was predominantly poor, and in neighborhoods like that, you tend to see a lot of teenage pregnancy, along with a bunch of other things, but the pregnancy scared me the most. I didn't want babies. They were freaky, poopy, loud, they were always wet at one end or the other, and they smelled funny. That did not appeal to me at all.
   So when I got pregnant (I was nineteen, and one of the oldest of my group to not have a baby) all my friends rubbed my dislike of babies in my face. Now what was I gonna do? Not gonna be able to run from a poopy diaper when the baby the diaper belongs to belongs to me. I'd refused to even hold many of their babies, so my pregnancy was sweet revenge (since it all worked out for the best, I forgive all you grudge-holding little asshats.)
   Well, the rest is history. I avoided the whole teen mom thing, because I had a birthday in the middle of my pregnancy, which means I was twenty when I gave birth. You may not be prepared to have a baby, but if you find yourself in the position of having one, if you are any kind of a decent person, you step up to the plate and take responsibility (whether that means keeping the baby and learning to be a good parent, or adopting the baby out because you know you won't do that, or whatever), which I am proud to say I did. But given the fact that I never liked children, you would think that I would not be so helicopter-y. Except I do like my child, and I hover around her like she has a gravitational pull specifically tuned to me. Since that is not really that healthy, I force myself to back the hell off of her, because I am trying to raise an independent, capable child who can function in society, not a spoiled, mommy-does-everything-for-me, entitled brat. I think that I am doing well in that regard... but I still don't know where I got these helicopter tendencies. You would have never guessed, in my early years, that I would be one of those moms. But I am a helicopter mom, and I can get really brag-y about my kiddo, and I can overload my facebook with statuses about my kid and a zillion pictures, but there you have it. I guess we never know what kind of parent we will really be until we give it a whirl.

(Disclaimer!!! --- But please, don't actually be so callous, I'm just being a little flip here. Parenting is hard work, and takes a lot of commitment; parenting is not actually something you should do to just 'give it a whirl'.)

Raising Kids

   There is a lot of judgement out there about how a person should raise kids. I say 'judgement' instead of 'opinion' because this is what I am talking about -- there are a lot of people out there who like to point fingers and tout their methods above other people's methods; basically claiming that their method is better and anyone who doesn't use this method is a sub-par parent.
   I want to be clear on one thing -- I have a lot of opinions, and I am vocal in this blog about the way I raise my daughter, but I hope I never come across as judgmental, because that has never been my intention. If you do something differently than me, I don't think you are doing things 'wrong'. I just think you are different. But God forbid that we all be different; aren't we supposed to be cookie-cutter images of each other? This can't be! We can't be different! (Cue the dramatic music here please.)
    Seems to be the prevalent opinion these days. I know that as parents, your methods have been attacked, your decisions have been second guessed, and all I am saying is that if you are anything like me, you are getting a little tired of having to defend yourself to people who are not an integral part of your life -- as if these people had business butting into your business.
    Some of the many things I have been attacked about: well as always there is the working mom bit. I have absolutely nothing against stay-at-home moms. Many of my best friends, whom I have had friendships with since childhood, are stay-at-home moms, and I have the deepest respect for them. But I can't do this. Besides the whole 'I'm the sole income' bit; I have suffered from very severe economic abuse from my ex-significant other. Try not working when at one time, you have had to beg and plead for even sanitary items. I have panic attacks when I have no income. I NEED to be able to buy my own things; I am never gonna be able to be a stay-at-home mom again; I don't think I would stay sane. But of course, other people have other reasons and other influences, other needs, and I don't look at these people with any kind of judgment; diversity is a beautiful thing. But no -- my child is NOT suffering because I work. She knows that I love and support her 100%; I volunteer at her school; I talk to her every day about her day and help with homework; we have quality time together.
   Another thing I often get attacked about is her education. Yes -- I send my daughter to a public school. A lot of people expect me to say this with shame, which I refuse to do. My daughter is doing very well in school; she in in advanced classes. Yes, there has been problems with bullying in schools; and my daughter is in self defense classes; I have taught her that she should stand up for herself and that I will always stand up for her. Last year, a girl was picking on her and she told me about the incidents. Outraged, I wanted to call the school; I wanted this to never happen again. My itchy trigger finger was on the call button of the phone, but my daughter stopped me and insisted I let her handle this. After a few days, she informed me that the girl and herself were now friends. Seems she handled bullying better than I would have.
    Furthermore, in no way am I what I would consider a good teacher. Yes, of morals and ethics and beliefs, no to text book math. I had to get help from my daughter's teacher so that I could help my daughter with her homework, an amusing experience, but one that firmly illustrated that I should not be trying to teach pre-algebra, much less the higher maths. Nor would I make a good science teacher. I take an integral role in my daughter's education, but they say it takes a village to raise a child. Public education is my way of using the village.  You may home school; I have never attacked a homeschooling mom. Again, I have friends who home school, and they often complain about they way they are attacked for their choices. Is it fair to attack me in turn, and claim that I am forcing my child to 'conform to society' and allowing her to be bullied and receive a substandard education? Not true in any case; learning to exist with people who are different than you is not conforming. I don't teach my child to change the ideals, morals, and beliefs that I have worked to instill in her; I teach her to accept that other people are different, and that she can exist with these differences and that these differences cannot change her beliefs unless she wants them to. She has proven that she can handle someone picking on her in a very mature way -- by talking it out and working through their differences -- and if she meets the person she can't handle, I will be right there. I work with her teachers as well, and know what my child is being taught, and she is not receiving anything substandard. I shouldn't have to defend my choices any more than a homeschooling or privately schooled parent should. Worry about your kid and let me worry about mine.
   And of course, the single parent. How dare I leave an abusive partner and work my ass off to make a better life for myself and my child. I am the wreck of the family, and things should be like they were back when women didn't even have the right to vote, were considered property, and there was no such thing as marital rape because women weren't allowed to say no.
  Of course that is a sweeping generalization of people who value the traditional family, and doesn't being forced into a generalization that has nothing to do with what you believe suck? I never wanted to be a single mom, but I'll be damned if I am going to raise my child in a harmful environment. I shouldn't have to defend that, and the fact that I am raising my child as a single parent should not affect your family in any way. If my being a single mom does threaten your family structure, than you have some pretty big problems, and you can stop misdirecting your anger, because regardless of what your problem is -- it's not caused by me or the choices I have made.
   So again I write another post defending my choices. But the message that I want to get across here is not really the defense of my choices, although I do feel better after that vent, but to say that we would do better as a society if we stopped being so judgmental. I have gotten along with my many diverse friends for years and years, and they have gotten along with me. So why can't we all? Why do we insist on bringing each other down, on belittling other's lives? We really have to stop judging each other. I really hope that nothing I have written comes across as anything other than defending my choices; I am not against home school or private school, nor am I against stay-at-home moms, and I am certainly not against marriage and having both parents involved in their child. But there are reasons for all of my choices, just as you have reasons for all of your choices, and I think that instead of sitting down and judging each other, we should accept that we are different and do things differently, and really, why is that so wrong? The answer is, there's nothing wrong. We make the best life choices we can, and do the best we can for our families. That is what we should focus on, not nitpicking another person's choices. 

Little Talks

   My daughter says some crazy things, and she always has. In order to capture the zany attitude that my daughter possesses, I have kept record of some of the conversations that I have had with her. And of course, now I am going to share them with you.
Butt Cracks
   This first one happened before she was even in school; while I was on the phone with my sister before she moved to Washington and still lived in Kansas, and I noticed that my daughter's pants had fallen down.
   Me: "Honey, pull up your pants; your butt crack is showing."
   My daughter, extremely offended, "My butt is NOT cracking!!!"
   And my sister heard her response and still gets a chuckle off of the memory.
Babies And Where They Come From
   This one happened in Kindergarten in the line waiting for school to start.
    My daughter to her friend, "My Auntie told me where babies come from!"
    A bunch of excited ass kids start listening avidly like she has discovered the secret of Santa Claus, and my daughter continues, "People have babies the same way chickens do!!!"
    My daughter's confused friend, "But how do chickens have babies?"
    My daughter, "I don't know but I'm gonna find out! They have animal books in the library."
    Another kid, "We can watch Animal Planet!"
   Me to the other parents who are now giving me the stink eye, "I had nothing to do with this, I swear."
   Later, after school and after I explain that human babies and chicken babies really have nothing in common, she asks me again where babies come from. "You don't really want to know, honey," I say.
   "Yes I do, and I'm never gonna stop asking until you tell me!" she exclaims.
    "Okay, but I warned you. Babies are made when a momma sleeps with a daddy-"
    "Stop! Stop!" screams my daughter, "You're disgusting! Don't talk to me anymore!"
    "You asked."
    "Nope. Don't talk to me."

I'm not eating whatever that thing is, especially if it's soupy. YUCK

What The Heck Are You Asking Me To Eat?
   My daughter after school, more recently, probably about a few months ago.
   "Mom, we need to have soupy-chicken-fish for dinner."
   "What the hell is that, and whatever it is, I'm not eating that."
   My daughter, giggling, "But Mom, I want spoupy-chicken fish."
   "No. How about chicken?"
    "Is it soupy?"
    "That is disgusting."
Death By A Zombie-Spider-Octopus-Eagle-Dragon-Scorpion-Lobster-Acorn
    "I made up a new monster in school today!" my daughter tells me as I pick her up and hands me a picture of some freaky thing that she imagined. "It's a zombie-spider-octopus-eagle-dragon-scorpion-lobster-acorn."

Better than a normal zombie. 

   "Say that again."
   "And you want to be killed by it instead of a regular old zombie."
   "Um, no. Say that name again though. Really fast."
   "Yes you do. Why would you want to meet a regular old zombie when you could meet this."
   "I'll pass. Say that name again."
   "You love zombies though. You want to be eaten by mine," my daughter says between giggles.
   "No. Say the name again."
    "I can't. I can't remember what was in it. I'll write it down when I get home and can look at it."

    

A Response To Classist Attitudes

   I was reading an article that I found online about a mother who felt she should pick her child's playmates because of how they lived and who their family was. She felt that this was not classist behavior, because she felt she was looking out for her child's safety. Now, this is a fine line to walk, because we all want to keep our children safe and sheltered. There isn't anything wrong with wanting to be sure your kids are safe. However, was this classist? I couldn't help but feel that some of what she said was classist, and certainly some of the comments to her article were.
   I've been thinking about this article for about four days now. Some of the things that I read just bothered me; the fact that so many people seemed to agree with her bothered me even more, so I'm going to state my own opinion about who you should and shouldn't let your kids be friends with.
   Personally, I feel that there are NO children that you should ban your child from playing with based on trivial things like money and family and where they live. If the child in question lives in an unsafe environment, then maybe you should veto overnights and play dates from that home, but that doesn't mean that the child couldn't come to your home. That doesn't mean that your child shouldn't play with that child on the playground or talk to them at school or call them on the phone. The parents might be total cesspools, but what part of that is the child's responsibility? What part of that can the child control? To me, this is a classic case of victim blame. And think: there is a chance that you could be a good influence, and good role model for that child. A lot of good people started out in bad homes; don't be so quick to write them off.
   One of the issues that was brought up wasn't even the possible bad influence, or danger that to your own child; one of the issues was the possibility of bugs. Now, lice scare the hell out of me, but the fact is, you can catch lice from anybody. A clean person can have lice just as easily as a dirty one, even more so, because one of the ways of getting rid of lice is to grease up your hair. Lice thrive better in clean hair; grease smothers them. My own daughter has had lice, and she didn't catch is from an unclean, unsafe environment; she caught them from a daycare. Lice are immortal bugs, hell to get rid of, and I understand the fear of exposure, but tie your kid's hair up when they go out, and keep your fingers crossed. Or else make them grow up in a bubble. Your choice, I guess.
   One of the other issues that was brought up was that some mothers felt that their kids shouldn't play with kids whose families were on welfare or whose siblings had different fathers. That is utterly, hopelessly, unarguably classist. Sorry, if you share those views; you are classist. Don't kid yourself. And this is the thing that really made me blow up, because I have been on government assistance. I'm off all assistance now, but once I was one of those struggling, single welfare moms; I did what I had to in order to keep my daughter fed. And if, God forbid, I ever do have another child, that child will not have the same father. There is no way in any kind of Hell that I will ever procreate with the man who fathered my daughter again. And my daughter and I, we are not bad people. We still live under the poverty line, but we are good, hardworking people who care about our family and friends. Our economic status has nothing to do with our morals and our ethics. I know so many great mothers and fathers who have been down on their luck and are on food assistance and medical assistance and childcare assistance, and if you don't want to have your child associate with us, this is your child's loss, and believe me or not, your child is losing something.
   What type of lessons are you teaching your child with this attitude? They are going to have a fair amount of trouble when they go out into the real world and realize that people are diverse. And they are going to have to figure out how to work with people who are not the same as them. They are going to have to respect other's views, beliefs, backgrounds, and cultures. How do you think your child will fare with this if this is not something you have taught in the home? The real world is going to be a rude wake-up call for them. And how do you think your child will fare against a child like mine: who has been taught to respect and get along with people since her birth? How do you think colleges, employers, and new acquaintances will view them? Who do you think will be more socially acceptable; someone who knows that every person has value, or someone who has been raised to think that only a certain type of person has value?
   The economy now is hard to survive in; I don't know what the economy will be like in the years when our children are trying to build their own lives. But the foundation that you give your child will have an impact on whatever they manage to do. This foundation can make their lives harder, or can make their lives easier. Myself, I want to give my child every advantage possible, and to me, that means making sure that she knows how to accept and value people for who they are, not who you think they should be. 

What Being A Mom Has Taught Me.... So Far

   Being a mom is a job, being a mom is a choice, and being a mom is something that you work at every single day. Like any important role in life, being a mom is something you learn from, something that changes you, hopefully for the better. Being a mom is a work in progress; you don't have to be perfect, but you do have to be willing to learn and willing to put in the time, tears, joy, and effort.
   My child is not grown, and even when she is grown, I suspect I will always be learning from her and helping her to grow. All I need to do is look at my own mom, who took me back in when I had nowhere else to go and was at one of the darkest points in my life. So I imagine, no - I know- that this list is not complete. There will be things that are missing, because my daughter is only 10 going on 11. I am far from done. But I do feel that I can put out this list, because being a mom has taught me some of the most important lessons of life that I have learned thus far. So here is the list of things that being a mom has taught me, and remember, I don't put things in order, ever:

1. Nothing is better than spending a Saturday with your child doing things that people say will rot your brain (i.e. watching too much TV and gamer marathons) 
2. There is never going to be enough money so learn to make things last, make things stretch, and get creative. 
3. If you don't put your child first, they are not going to put you first either. This includes putting your child over jobs, school, and other people.
4. Read a lot, and make books available to your child, because reading is really important, especially once they start school.
5. Find the people who will be there for you through thick and thin, because you are going to need them. 
6. Don't forget to be the person who is there for someone else through thick and thin. Make sure your child is one of those people you will always be there for.
7. Kids' cartoons today suck so make sure you buy them some Looney Tunes and Animaniacs on DVD (or Blu-ray). 
8. A happy home trumps a clean house -- don't stress over the toys on the floor, the dishes in the sink,  that pile of dirty clothes, and that layer of dust. Just don't let things get moldy.
9. Teach your kids manners and how to behave because no one is going to like your kid if they are rude-ass little shits who are climbing up the walls and beating up all the other kids. 
10. Let your child be different than you - they are not carbon copies. 
11. Keep an open mind and an open heart. 
12. You aren't going to like all of their friends. If the friends aren't taking your kids down the path of drug abuse and other bad stuff, just keep your mouth shut. Do you really think it's likely that your kid likes all of your friends?
13. Listen to the things you kids have to say. 
14. Work hard, but play often.
15. Pay attention.
16. There is not enough sleep in the world and coffee is a necessity. 
17. Make sure your child always knows that they can come talk to you about anything, and that you will believe them and be on their side if someone is being mean to them and/or hurting them. 
18. Be a tiger when it comes to protecting your child.
19. People are going to judge. Learn not to care. 
20. Try to be the best person you can. Yes, you will mess up, but deal with your messes and be someone that you want your child to be, because they are always watching their Momma.