I'm Not Raising A Princess; I'm Raising A Real Woman

   We're living in a strange, strange world these days. There's no accountability for your own actions and/or choices, everybody is entitled to everything, and in order to be a good mom, you have to raise your kids with the expectations that they will get everything that they want, without even trying, without earning it. Discipline is a thing of the past; barbarians - those are the people who discipline their kids.
   I don't know, but to me, that's just a bunch of bullshit. If you've been reading my blog at all, you know that I can be the overprotective mom, the hovering helicopter who freaks if her kids sneezes. But if you read my blog at all, you also know that I do my best to squish that shit. Why? Because I want my daughter to be able to function in society. Because when she grows up, I don't want her going into shock when she is faced with the real world. And what is the real world? Well I can tell you what it's not right now, and one thing it's not is fair, that's for damn sure, and it's not a free ride either.
   She needs to be able to know how to handle that shit. When she goes to apply for a job, and doesn't get the position, she needs to understand that jobs aren't handed out for 'effort'. You have to be qualified as well; you have to earn that shit. And if she's passed over for someone more qualified than she is, she needs to know that it's not okay to have an epic meltdown and shiver in her room under her covers for a week because she feels that she's 'not respected.' What she needs to know how to do is to get up off her ass and go after another job. Get knocked down six times, get back up seven. She needs to get her ass over to another employer, work her ass off, prove her worth, earn her respect, and make that employer who didn't hire her regret that they didn't realize her potential. She is not going to do that hiding in her room, whimpering that the world's not fair.
   She needs to know that she is responsible for her own choices. She needs to know that if she goes out and parties all night, and does poorly at that job she just worked her ass off to get, that she is going to get fired. She also needs to know that under those circumstances, she will deserve to get fired, because she made bad choices. She needs to be accountable for her bad choice, and learn from that mistake so that it never happens again (although I'm hoping it never happens in the first place, personally.)
   She also needs to know that sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes you get fired just because your boss doesn't like you, sometimes you lose a loved one to a disease or accident, sometimes you get sick yourself, whatever the case may be, bad things happen. And when bad things happen, you do have a right to grieve and be angry and disillusioned, but you also have to keep pushing forward. She has to have the gumption and willpower to keep moving forward, to keep trying. You never move forward if you don't keep walking.
    She also needs to know that life isn't a fairy tale. There isn't going to be a prince on a white horse, who comes in, saves her and carries her to his castle where she lives happily ever after. That's not to say that there is not love, but she needs to know that love is work as well. Love is hard, and you cry just as much as you laugh, because that's life, and a guy can be the greatest guy in the world, but he's still human. He's going to screw up. He's also going to be normal. He's going to pick his nose, fart, belch, and be real. Prince Charming is only charming because he's not real. That doesn't mean that she needs to put up with abuse or mistreatment, but it does mean that she needs to compromise and understand he is going to mess up, and she needs to acknowledge that she is going to mess up as well.
   And what does her learning all this entail? What goes into teaching a child these values? Well, it takes teaching her accountability at an early age. It takes teaching her that there are consequences to her choices. Teaching her these things means making her take care of her responsibilities and teaching her to learn from her mistakes. It means teaching her that she isn't some princess who is going to be handed every thing she wants, or even needs, in life, and it means that there has got to be some discipline up in this house. If she chooses not to do her homework, she's grounded. See if she forgets to do homework when that's the only thing she CAN do for a week. Disrespectful to mom? Well, my mom used to wash my mouth out with soap when I was a kid too. In fact, my mom would put my ass in a headlock and used my teeth as a washing board. I'm still alive, and I don't suffer from ablutophobia; I take a shower daily, and when I'm stressed or sick, I take two. So I fail to see the harm in a good old mouth washing, and (side note) because my daughter has eczema, we have organic, no dyes or chemicals, goat's milk soap. In all honesty, that shit's probably healthier and more nutritional than the crap she eats. But the point is, she is going to be disciplined, because that's cause and effect. Screw up in childhood, get grounded, screw up in adulthood, go to prison. You see how teaching a kid to obey the rules is a good thing to start early, while the consequences aren't as dire?
   And if you don't like that, well, I've never been one to tell people how to raise their kids. Do what you want. But this is how I am raising mine. And while other girls are going through culture shock because they were always told they could have whatever they wanted without even trying to earn it and that everything was all rainbows and butterflies, mine is going to be out there -  acting like a real woman and getting shit done.
 

A Rant About Parenting From A Pissed Off Marie

   A child needs both a mom and a dad in their life. Where is the father? This is something I am getting so very sick of hearing. Especially when someone is saying this to me. I get so mad I see red. I get so mad. There is no other way to put this besides: I get so mad. 

  If a child has two good parents, and both of those parents are good and loving parents, then yes, that child needs them both, I will agree to that, wholeheartedly. But what about when the other parent is not a good and loving parent? What about when the other parent is abusive? What if the other parent engages in criminal activities that could put said child at risk, or at the very least, teach them some very bad life ethics? What about then? Does the child still need that parent? What if the parent in question is a harmful person to be around? The thing that infuriates me is that there are people who will say, unconditionally, yes, the other parent needs to be in the child's life. I am not placing a gender to this other parent, because bad parents can be either male or female. In my personal life, the parent in question is male, but I know of extremely harmful females, and this goes both ways, in my mind. 

   A child does not need a person in their life if that person is hurting them. The pain can be physical, the pain can be emotional, the pain can be from neglect, or any other harmful thing you can think of; if that parent is not willing to correct the negativity that is harming the child, the child does NOT need that parent. Period. Doesn't matter what gender that person is. A child does not need a father who is going to hit them, tear down their emotions, teach them bad morals and ethics; a child does not need a mother who is going to hit them, tear down their emotions, teach them bad morals and ethics. A child does not need this, but so many people get so wrapped up in their desires for everyone to have the perfect little nuclear family that they stop worrying about what is best for the child. They only worry about people conforming to their ideal of what a family should look like. 

   For myself, I hear, "Oh, your daughter needs a male role model. Even a poor father is better than none." I call bullshit. Do you hear me? I CALL BULLSHIT. I hope that was loud enough for you. I am not saying a child needs a perfect parent, because none of us are perfect, but a child does need a parent who is trying to be the best parent that they can be. A child needs a parent who is willing to be there for them. A child needs a parent who will take care of them, to protect them, to be a role model for them, to guard them against things that they are not yet capable of defending themselves against, to teach them morals and ethics so that they can grow to be productive and respected and respectful, but a child does not need a parent who is not interested in doing these things. A child does not need to be around someone who will hurt them. A child needs to be around someone who cares for them, not someone who just thinks that the child is so much dead weight. 

   Whatever gender the parent might be, if that parent is not giving that child the love and care that the child needs, then that child does not need that parent. The child in question is better off just being with the parent who can give the child the love and care needed. The parent who cannot or will not do these two simple things are the ones who are so much dead weight, and no child needs to be burdened with that dead weight. It's that simple, folks. Sorry, but not everyone is going to fit into the same shaped box, and it's past time to stop trying to force that. 

   In any case, people might want to stop saying these things to me, whether my rant has changed their minds about parents or not, because my temper is wearing mighty thin on this issue. I don't tell people how to live their lives, I am mighty tired of people trying to horn in on my affairs. Look to your own children, leave mine be. Fair warning. 

What Being A Mom Has Taught Me.... So Far

   Being a mom is a job, being a mom is a choice, and being a mom is something that you work at every single day. Like any important role in life, being a mom is something you learn from, something that changes you, hopefully for the better. Being a mom is a work in progress; you don't have to be perfect, but you do have to be willing to learn and willing to put in the time, tears, joy, and effort.
   My child is not grown, and even when she is grown, I suspect I will always be learning from her and helping her to grow. All I need to do is look at my own mom, who took me back in when I had nowhere else to go and was at one of the darkest points in my life. So I imagine, no - I know- that this list is not complete. There will be things that are missing, because my daughter is only 10 going on 11. I am far from done. But I do feel that I can put out this list, because being a mom has taught me some of the most important lessons of life that I have learned thus far. So here is the list of things that being a mom has taught me, and remember, I don't put things in order, ever:

1. Nothing is better than spending a Saturday with your child doing things that people say will rot your brain (i.e. watching too much TV and gamer marathons) 
2. There is never going to be enough money so learn to make things last, make things stretch, and get creative. 
3. If you don't put your child first, they are not going to put you first either. This includes putting your child over jobs, school, and other people.
4. Read a lot, and make books available to your child, because reading is really important, especially once they start school.
5. Find the people who will be there for you through thick and thin, because you are going to need them. 
6. Don't forget to be the person who is there for someone else through thick and thin. Make sure your child is one of those people you will always be there for.
7. Kids' cartoons today suck so make sure you buy them some Looney Tunes and Animaniacs on DVD (or Blu-ray). 
8. A happy home trumps a clean house -- don't stress over the toys on the floor, the dishes in the sink,  that pile of dirty clothes, and that layer of dust. Just don't let things get moldy.
9. Teach your kids manners and how to behave because no one is going to like your kid if they are rude-ass little shits who are climbing up the walls and beating up all the other kids. 
10. Let your child be different than you - they are not carbon copies. 
11. Keep an open mind and an open heart. 
12. You aren't going to like all of their friends. If the friends aren't taking your kids down the path of drug abuse and other bad stuff, just keep your mouth shut. Do you really think it's likely that your kid likes all of your friends?
13. Listen to the things you kids have to say. 
14. Work hard, but play often.
15. Pay attention.
16. There is not enough sleep in the world and coffee is a necessity. 
17. Make sure your child always knows that they can come talk to you about anything, and that you will believe them and be on their side if someone is being mean to them and/or hurting them. 
18. Be a tiger when it comes to protecting your child.
19. People are going to judge. Learn not to care. 
20. Try to be the best person you can. Yes, you will mess up, but deal with your messes and be someone that you want your child to be, because they are always watching their Momma.