Being A Mom Does Not Mean Changing Who I Am

   I love being a mom; I love my daughter more than anything, and I would do anything for her, but there is one thing she does not require of me: for me to morph into society's image of a 'good mom'. Anyone who is a mom knows that society in general expects certain things from moms. The individual may not, but as a whole, there is an image you are supposed to fit yourself into for society to view you as the good mom. You have to be the PTA mom, you have to be polished, you aren't supposed to have a potty mouth, you have to be a good cook and keep up with the house work. You aren't supposed to stand out; you are supposed to fit into this image, whether you work or stay at home. Slowly, these stereotypical images are changing, but they are still out there and if you don't fit them, you still have to deal with some backlash.
   The problem for me is that I don't fit into any of these images. For one, I have the biggest potty mouth. I really try not to on this blog because my mom doesn't like hearing the f-bomb every other word, which is often about how I talk, but for her, I tried to leave out the extensive potty mouth. I also don't like to cook; I can cook, and I do cook, but I don't get any enjoyment of it. When I am cooking or cleaning (something else I detest) I like to listen to loud and angry music, because I feel like being loud and angry too. I don't like the PTA. When my daughter first started school, I did consider joining the PTA, but I just didn't have the time between work and school and taking care of the home and mom stuff, and to be honest, I don't really fit that crowd and it's not something I would enjoy.
   There are other things as well. I mean, you might think this is a horrible confession, but I don't really like to be around strange kids, especially when there is no parent involved. I really don't appreciate that. I don't want other people's kids in my home unless those kids come with parents attached, and those parents have been invited. And I DO NOT invite people to my house if I do not know and like them. And if you are reading this and thinking, "Well, I know her and she doesn't invite me" just remember that I am the closest thing to a hermit that you can get without actually being a hermit. In fact, the only things that keep me from running away into the woods and living like a caveman is my daughter, my need for the internet, books, and video games, and my need for indoor plumbing. Those things alone prevent my hermit tranformation, so if you haven't been to my house, that doesn't mean that I don't like you. But society's image of a good mom doesn't include the antisocial introvert, so does that mean that I should change? In my opinion, the answer is a resounding NO.
   Another thing that society expects is the befriending of the 'right' people. But my question is who decides who the right people are? And how do they judge this? Because I have to tell you, this might seem strange after proclaiming that I am an antisocial introvert, but remember, I am only borderline hermit. I love to be alone; I am good at being alone, but I also like to have friends. I like to get to know people, and yes, there are times I just really need to be alone, but since I am not going to be living in the woods like a wild person, then I want to talk to people on occasion. And I am gonna talk to whoever I want to talk to. Which means that if I am talking to someone, and I like them, but then I find out that this person is a transgender woman who strips for a living, I am going to continue to talk to that person. I am not going to flinch away because that person might be a 'bad influence' on my daughter. If this person ever meets my daughter, as many of my friends do, I am going to expect them to not talk about the joys of stripping to my tween daughter, but other than that, my daughter needs to know how to get alone and respect ALL people and ALL walks of life. So while I am never going to be introducing her to known serial killers, she needs to know that there is more types of people out there, and she needs to be able to respect them. Since I believe that this is vitally important, I don't feel that I am doing my daughter harm by displaying this ability to get along and respect all walks of life in my own life. Plus, I tend to not get along with people who are only interested in fitting into society's cookie-cutter mold. And I don't want to teach my daughter that she has to fit herself into an image just to be accepted.
   But often these views are views that people try to attack me for having, and many times the basis of attack is that I am a mother, and I need to give my daughter a role model and good example. But in fact, I do think I am giving her a good example and a role model. Never in my life have I felt the need to give a shit what society thinks of me. What I care about is being a good person on the terms that I believe are the most moral and following the path that I believe God wants me to walk (because yes, I do believe in God; what I do not believe in is organized religion, which is another post altogether). And that path includes treating my neighbor the way I would want to be treated, which means with respect. And I believe that a woman can detest things like cooking and cleaning and being on the PTA, but still be a good mom. I can be the gamer/book nerd/introvert that I am and still be a good mother to my daughter. I don't have to fit the mold that society tries to force on parents.
   To be a good mom (or parent, if you are a daddy reading this) what you need to do is to provide an environment where your child feels safe and nurtured, where they can learn and grow. I provide that. I also provide unconditional love and I provide boundaries and rules, and I did not have to alter the core of who I am to do that.
   Am I the same person who I was eleven years ago when I gave birth to her? Of course not; there would be something seriously wrong with me if I had not grown as a person since then, but that does not mean that my personality went out the window. Being a mom does not negate my being Marie; I am both. 

The Perfect You

   Raising a child is a job. Some people get upset when you refer to raising a child as a job; this is not a job, they say. This is a choice, an honor, something wonderful that is a gift. And yes, these things are true, but that does not negate the fact that raising a child is also hard work, an undertaking that you will have to commit to for the rest of your life, because even when they are grown, you will always be their mother. Age, time, independence, and them ultimately finding their own path in life does not change the fact that you are 'Mom'. This is not a job that you can retire from. You're in for life, so you had better start getting your shit together and figure out what you need to do, because from the moment you become a mom, you take responsibility for raising a part of the future.
   This brings me to my next point. Not all women should be moms. Originally, I was not going to have children, so when I say that not all women should be moms, I do not imply weaknesses or character flaws. I do not think that I was flawed when I thought I did not want children, and I still don't think that wish implied flaws or weak unwomanly traits. I just think that God knew me better than I knew myself. But I think that there is more than one purpose in life. Moms have the important role of raising the next generation, and this is a vital role, but like any other role, every person should not fill it. I do not mean that every woman should not become moms because some of them are crackheads who will leave their kids in a dumpster during a drug binge or sell them for a hit. What I mean is this; if all women decided to become doctors, there would be an imbalance, society would be thrown off kilter. Because while we need doctors, we also need scientists, teachers, businessmen, bakers, and all the other occupations. This is how we have a balanced society. Demanding that all women have children is much like demanding that everyone learn to be a doctor, or a soldier, or a politician. I make a good mom, but I would make a piss-poor doctor. We need both; both are vital to our community.
   Saying that, I also do not mean that a woman who is a mom should not have a career. Some women can fill both roles. Myself, I am a working mom, and while my job is not glamorous or prestigious, I do get satisfaction in the fact that I provide for my daughter. Nor do I mean that women should do both, some women stay home and are homemakers, and this is a hard, hard job with even less glamour and prestige than my little checking job. What I mean to say is that we need to stop trying to force ourselves into these cookie-cutter molds. Women should be homemakers; women should be mothers; women should be career oriented.; women should have kids and be homemakers and have careers and look perfect; all these roles that we have made for the 'perfect' woman are exhausting, and we get so busy judging each other and ourselves that we forget about the important things. Being happy in life, and making those who we love happy. Stop trying to fit the mold and stop judging others for not fitting the mold.. Somewhere along the road, women have become our own worst enemy. No one will judge you as harshly as another women, with the exception of yourself. We judge ourselves the most harshly of all, with no forgiveness for the things that make us unique. But the simple fact is, not one of us are cookie-cutter women. Whether you want children, or you don't, whether you want a career, or you don't, whether you want both, or just one, you are the perfect you.