You Don't Stop Being You After Becoming A Parent

   I've heard a lot of people say that they've changed a lot after becoming parents, and that's a great thing. You should constantly be changing because you are growing as an individual, so I'm not saying that parenthood doesn't change you, because parenthood should change you. But that being said, parents still need to have some of their old interests; parents still need to have interests outside of the home.
   I had someone tell me once that when they became a parent, the things that mattered to them didn't matter anymore; they weren't worried about old friends or old interests, and just focused on the hubby and the baby. To me, that is a recipe for disaster. I know that I am not a professional psychiatrist here, but as a professional parent, parenting can drive you bat-shit crazy, and you are going to need a break from your inner parenting world. Also, this seems kind of sad to me. Sometimes friends to drop out of your life; you outgrow them, or move, or whatever, but to purposely decide that because you have a kid, you have no room for friends - that seems a bit crazy to me.
   You are going to need someone to talk to one day. Someone adult. One day you are going to need to talk to someone about something other than what page they want to color next or what sound does a dog make, and you are going to get to the point where if you hear the hot potato song or the fruit salad song just one more time, you are going to rip your ears off and flush them down the toilet. In other words, you are going to need an adult, and to further clarify, you may not want that adult to be the old hubby, you make want to hear some good old fashioned girl talk (or guy talk); who's getting married from the old group, who's having a baby, who was arrested, who's dating: just good old fashioned girl talk (aka gossip).
   As for interests, well, mine have expanded. I'm interested in more things than I was before the birth of my lonely only, but I still have old interests as well. I didn't stop gaming because 'I'm too old for it.' I don't go as hardcore as I used to, and sit down and play for ten hours straight, but I still game. Why shouldn't I? My interests, your interests - they don't make you less of a person. I still travel; I still want to travel. I have to save up forever before I can afford to, and yes, once I had a kid, Disneyland made an appearance on my travel list, but I still went to Yellowstone. I think being able to share that trip with my daughter enhanced the experience, something I bring up because we've all heard the joke about "If you want to travel, don't have kids unless your idea of traveling is Disney." Not true. People travel with kids all the time, and watching my daughter's face fill with excitement when she saw Old Faithful erupt for the first time enhanced my own excitement. When she was around two, we went to Victoria, Canada, and having her with me did not detract from wandering around that pretty little town and seeing the shops and sights; I still had enormous fun and so did she, and I love, love, LOVE taking a Ferry, which was something that we did to get to Victoria. Turns out my daughter loves ferries too.
  The truth is, having a parent who is interested in other things besides parenting, and having that parent be willing to share those interests, only enhances that child's life. It doesn't have to be travel, or gaming. Sports, computers, fishing, church activities, travel, reading, socializing with friends, whatever they may be, those interests could become fun family outings. And even if they end up being interests that none of your family shares, well, you are still a complex person with multiple needs, and that's not a selfish thing to set aside some time just for you. I'm not saying ignore your family forever, but your family can give you an hour or two here and there. It's not wrong unless you decide you are going to take that hour right when little Suzy falls off her bike and breaks her face and needs medical attention immediately. Discounting disaster though, little Suzy can go enjoy some of her personal interests while you partake in yours. It won't kill her and it's not neglect.
   So I guess what I am saying is that while you should always grow and change as a person; don't let parenting be the excuse to kill off the person you are now. Of course you could work on bad habits, but just because you give up Bender Friday, that doesn't mean that you have to give up Football Sunday. Your kid won't thank you for it in the long run, and also, you need to be a fully functioning person for the day that your kiddo is ready to venture into the great big world on her/his own. You don't want to be the psycho mom who follows your kid to college or tries to become the third person in their marriage. Not good. 

Being A Mom Does Not Mean Changing Who I Am

   I love being a mom; I love my daughter more than anything, and I would do anything for her, but there is one thing she does not require of me: for me to morph into society's image of a 'good mom'. Anyone who is a mom knows that society in general expects certain things from moms. The individual may not, but as a whole, there is an image you are supposed to fit yourself into for society to view you as the good mom. You have to be the PTA mom, you have to be polished, you aren't supposed to have a potty mouth, you have to be a good cook and keep up with the house work. You aren't supposed to stand out; you are supposed to fit into this image, whether you work or stay at home. Slowly, these stereotypical images are changing, but they are still out there and if you don't fit them, you still have to deal with some backlash.
   The problem for me is that I don't fit into any of these images. For one, I have the biggest potty mouth. I really try not to on this blog because my mom doesn't like hearing the f-bomb every other word, which is often about how I talk, but for her, I tried to leave out the extensive potty mouth. I also don't like to cook; I can cook, and I do cook, but I don't get any enjoyment of it. When I am cooking or cleaning (something else I detest) I like to listen to loud and angry music, because I feel like being loud and angry too. I don't like the PTA. When my daughter first started school, I did consider joining the PTA, but I just didn't have the time between work and school and taking care of the home and mom stuff, and to be honest, I don't really fit that crowd and it's not something I would enjoy.
   There are other things as well. I mean, you might think this is a horrible confession, but I don't really like to be around strange kids, especially when there is no parent involved. I really don't appreciate that. I don't want other people's kids in my home unless those kids come with parents attached, and those parents have been invited. And I DO NOT invite people to my house if I do not know and like them. And if you are reading this and thinking, "Well, I know her and she doesn't invite me" just remember that I am the closest thing to a hermit that you can get without actually being a hermit. In fact, the only things that keep me from running away into the woods and living like a caveman is my daughter, my need for the internet, books, and video games, and my need for indoor plumbing. Those things alone prevent my hermit tranformation, so if you haven't been to my house, that doesn't mean that I don't like you. But society's image of a good mom doesn't include the antisocial introvert, so does that mean that I should change? In my opinion, the answer is a resounding NO.
   Another thing that society expects is the befriending of the 'right' people. But my question is who decides who the right people are? And how do they judge this? Because I have to tell you, this might seem strange after proclaiming that I am an antisocial introvert, but remember, I am only borderline hermit. I love to be alone; I am good at being alone, but I also like to have friends. I like to get to know people, and yes, there are times I just really need to be alone, but since I am not going to be living in the woods like a wild person, then I want to talk to people on occasion. And I am gonna talk to whoever I want to talk to. Which means that if I am talking to someone, and I like them, but then I find out that this person is a transgender woman who strips for a living, I am going to continue to talk to that person. I am not going to flinch away because that person might be a 'bad influence' on my daughter. If this person ever meets my daughter, as many of my friends do, I am going to expect them to not talk about the joys of stripping to my tween daughter, but other than that, my daughter needs to know how to get alone and respect ALL people and ALL walks of life. So while I am never going to be introducing her to known serial killers, she needs to know that there is more types of people out there, and she needs to be able to respect them. Since I believe that this is vitally important, I don't feel that I am doing my daughter harm by displaying this ability to get along and respect all walks of life in my own life. Plus, I tend to not get along with people who are only interested in fitting into society's cookie-cutter mold. And I don't want to teach my daughter that she has to fit herself into an image just to be accepted.
   But often these views are views that people try to attack me for having, and many times the basis of attack is that I am a mother, and I need to give my daughter a role model and good example. But in fact, I do think I am giving her a good example and a role model. Never in my life have I felt the need to give a shit what society thinks of me. What I care about is being a good person on the terms that I believe are the most moral and following the path that I believe God wants me to walk (because yes, I do believe in God; what I do not believe in is organized religion, which is another post altogether). And that path includes treating my neighbor the way I would want to be treated, which means with respect. And I believe that a woman can detest things like cooking and cleaning and being on the PTA, but still be a good mom. I can be the gamer/book nerd/introvert that I am and still be a good mother to my daughter. I don't have to fit the mold that society tries to force on parents.
   To be a good mom (or parent, if you are a daddy reading this) what you need to do is to provide an environment where your child feels safe and nurtured, where they can learn and grow. I provide that. I also provide unconditional love and I provide boundaries and rules, and I did not have to alter the core of who I am to do that.
   Am I the same person who I was eleven years ago when I gave birth to her? Of course not; there would be something seriously wrong with me if I had not grown as a person since then, but that does not mean that my personality went out the window. Being a mom does not negate my being Marie; I am both.