Cartoon Remakes -- Please Stop

   The other day I was babysitting my niece and nephew, and since I happen to have some cable channels that they don't have, and since my daughter was still sleeping because they came over at 7 a.m. in the morning on a day of no school, I thought, "Let them watch some of these cartoons that they can't watch at home unless they are Netflixing." And so we put the TV on Littlest Pet Shop. And my brain cells started dying, due to overwhelming exposure to stupidity.
   Then I found My Little Ponies. I used to love My Little Ponies. In fact, when my daughter was 5, I bought her the complete series of the old-school, made-in-my-childhood cartoon series. I also bought her the movie that has the flutterponies and the smooze in it, so when I saw the cartoon on TV, I thought, "I'll be able to watch this." And I turned the cartoon on -- and proceeded to loose even more brain cells. The My Little Pony remake is dumb.

Wrong

Right

   So I thought, Bugs Bunny. But have you seen what they have done with Loony Tunes? Daffy Duck was walking around on a cell phone and Bugs Bunny had a laptop and no one was dropping pianos on anyone's head, nor was anyone riding acme rockets into cliff walls. More brain cells were lost.
   And I began to feel like I had been cheated. These cartoons were staples to my Saturday mornings. I used to watch Loony Tunes with my dad -- he wouldn't be caught dead watching this new crap. And while My Little Ponies were never the laugh factory, the characters all had, you know, personalities.
   Then I began to feel that these kids were being cheated. Where were the cheap laughs? Sylvester needs to have an anvil dropped on his head while chasing Tweety Bird. That is why he was imagined up. The new cartoons have taken away his reason for being. He is lost, confused, and needs hundreds of dollars of therapy now.
   I can speculate what happened here. Someone, somewhere, said, "This is violent. If kids watch this, they are going to grow up thinking that pianos dropping on people's heads is funny. They are going to emulate that behavior." I grew up with a whole generation of people who watched pianos falling on cartoon character's heads on Saturday mornings, and none of us grew up to emulate that behavior; we don't do this because we are not dumbasses who don't understand the difference between cartoons and real life, but apparently our children are not expected to have the same level of common sense that we do.
   Personally, I disagree. I think my daughter can watch Loony Tunes (the classic version) and not grow up to be a piano dropping psychopath. And I think that I am unfailingly glad that I got her into anime early, and that I have a habit of buying whole seasons of the classics off of Amazon. Because quite frankly, I lost intelligence while watching those fluffed up, garbage-y remakes of old classics. We (my daughter and I) are going to stick to anime and the classics until the United States realizes that cartoon violence is not the reason for everything that is wrong with the world, and that children have brains and don't want to watch dumbed-down versions of old classics. So in the words of Porky Pig:

"Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-... That's all folks."

Child Haters And The Public

   While at work the other day, there was a little girl. She was a rather loud and exuberant little girl, but she was a very happy little girl as well. She very cheerfully, and somewhat forcefully, shouted "HI!!!" to every single person who passed her by. As her parents were in one of the checkout lines close to the door, she had access to every single person leaving the store, and she used that access to gleefully (and loudly) greet them all from the confines of the shopping cart, grinning and waving like a princess on parade.
   Most customers cheerfully, if with less volume, greeted her back. But because I tend to attract the crazies, I got the customer who was just pissed beyond belief by the racket. "That stupid kid," the lady complained to me, "Can't you shut her up." Because cashiers are in the business of 'shutting people up'. That's gonna go over well; I think I'll skip the legal charges that shutting a kid up, one who isn't even mine, one who isn't even misbehaving - I think I will pass those charges up. I mean, I can just see the headlines now: Cashier facing time for shutting up a little girl greeting people. I don't think so. Not this cashier.
   Unfortunately, this woman is a regular of mine. I am not sure what bad karma I wracked up, but obviously, I am paying for something, because this woman always, ALWAYS bitches about the kids in the store. They all need to be left home, apparently. And because I am on the clock, I can't tell her to piss off. I'd loose my job, hence the suspicion of some bad karma.
    But, she isn't alone in her child hating. I hear complaints about kids in the store all the time. "Shopping isn't a family experience, people need to leave their kids home." "Can't those people find a babysitter?" "They need to get that kid out of the store." "Can't someone shut that kid up?" "My kids were never allowed to through fits." I can go on. I've heard all this and more, child hating in multitudes. And it's past time for moms everywhere to address this issue.
   For me, I can't understand why people go into a public place and get pissed because said place is filled with... the public. Places like grocery stores, they don't cater to a certain crowd. They are not 21 and up establishments. Grocery stores are places where people go to buy food; often people who go to buy food have families. From this point, people bringing their families to that those families give input and help in the chore of planning the menu is not that big of a leap. Shocking, how that works.
   Furthermore, many moms do not have babysitters at their beck-and-call. They may not have much of a choice about bringing their kids to the store. Quality sitters are hard to find, and are often expensive, so even if they have one, they may not be able to justify the expense of hiring them to go shopping. Or they may feel that due to the fact that they have to work, their kid spends enough time with a sitter, and they want that kid with them for a while, even if they have to go shopping. Leaving kids at home is not always possible, so really, when people assume that moms with kids in tow had this option, and just dragged their kids to the store anyway,  that assumption kinda pisses me off. I never had that option. As a working mom, my daughter was in daycare a lot, but I couldn't leave her there to go to the store. The daycare had a limit of how many hours that a kid could be left there, and between my job and going to college, my daughter was there too often for me to leave her there to go shopping. Both my mom and my sister have full time jobs, so my daughter came with me, even when she was a small child, still learning how to behave in public. So no, parents leaving their kids with someone is not always an option.
   As for kids throwing fits; well that is never pleasant. Least of all for the parent dealing with all the judgey-judgersons. But a parent cannot always drop whatever they are doing and go home, just because the kiddo is having a bad day. Not always feasible. And we have no idea why that kid is having such a bad day. Maybe the kid is a spoiled rotten brat, but more likely, maybe the kid is tired, or feeling poorly, or just had a rotten day. As bad as kids throwing fits can be, I have seen adults behave in a much worse manner, so don't think kids have the corner on bad public behavior. And the kids, they are still learning about things like manners and inside voices; adults don't have that excuse.
    I would also like to point out that every single one of you, whether you have had children or are childless, you have all started out as children yourselves. Every. Single. One. Of. You. And at some point in your childhood, I am positive that you have made an ass of yourself in public. Maybe your mom is keeping your assholeyness quiet, but for the good of all the people who have to deal with you, I am begging her to stop right now, call you up, and tell you - in detail - about the time that you were an ass in public.
    I sure know I was. I can't even think of a specific time; I can remember so many that they are all blending together. A long blur of childhood assery that I inflicted on my parents, and in my household, discipline was not an issue. We got disciplined. So trust me, I don't need my parents to call me, I remember. What I can tell you is about my daughter.
    My daughter is a good girl. My mom gleefully awaited her, joked about getting back twice what  I had done to her, and then was dumbfounded when my daughter emerged as a 'good' kid. I get messages from teachers about how well behaved she is, I get told by family, I get told by her friends' families, so when  I say my daughter is a good kid, I am not just speaking from my own, admittedly biased, point of view. But even the best kids need to be taught how to behave in public, and even the best kids can have meltdowns and misbehave.
    My daughter had a major one when she was about four. She never went through the terrible twos, but she was hit with the fearsome fours with a vengeance. And one time, she had a meltdown right in the middle of Fred Meyers. I can't remember why, exactly, but I think her meltdown had something to do with the fact that she didn't want to walk, but she didn't want to get into the cart either. So she did what made the most sense of all, she threw herself right down on the floor of the store and started screaming her head off. And when I went to pick her up, she screamed as loud as she could, "Stop! You're breaking my arm!" Despite the fact that I wasn't even touching her arm, I got the evil-eye from about fifty different people, and had to deal with people tsking me and shaking their heads in disapproval. Being me, I took the high road (sarcasm here, folks) and snarled at them all, "Call CPS if you want to, but she is getting off of this floor."
   She never did that again, but  she is a perfect example of how a good kid can have a bad moment in public. It can happen to every parent. And parents can't just forgo buying food just because their kid isn't having the best day. So yes, when you go into a public place, such as a grocery store, you are going to deal with the public. The public includes small children. If you aren't in the mood to deal with and be tolerant of the public in general, than I suggest that at this time, you are the person who needs to spend the day at home. Come when you are in a better mood. And wear headphones. So many people wear headphones while shopping, and personally, I think that this is a really great option for people who don't want to hear the masses. But don't expect us cashiers to actually do something to 'shut kids up'. Not gonna happen. I mean honestly, if you are the type of person who would request this, chances are that we like the screaming, squalling kid more than you anyway. Just gonna put that out there. 

Have Another Kid? Are You Kidding Me????

   This is often what I hear when I say that my daughter is an only child, "But doesn't she need a sibling? She needs someone to play with." My response, "Hell no." Are you crazy? Lost your ever-loving mind? Maybe you can handle multiples, and more power to you, I am not putting you down at all, but I am not child-friendly. All my friends would coo and goo over those screaming blobs of poopy diapers while I looked on in absolute horror and swore never to have one. God has a twisted sense of humor. And then there is also that little factiod -- your kids will be twice as bad as you were. Oh. My. God. I was a bad effing kid, but for some reason, I was blessed with an angel of a child. Zany, weird, and completely different from me. If I have a second child, it's probably gonna get my badness x7, plus all of the badness it's sister didn't get. That kid is gonna be demon spawn -- yeah, I'll pass.
 But that isn't the only reason; I have multiple reasons for not wanting another child. One of them is pregnancy. Being pregnant sucks. I know people who love it, and they are nuts! What's to love? Heart burn, high blood pressure, peeing in a cup every week, diabetes tests, blood work, morning sickness, stress tests, swollen hands and feet, back aches, your unborn child kicking you in the ribs and bouncing on your bladder, peeing yourself, being fat, leaky boobs, doctors shoving their hands up your hoohah, stretch marks, and don't think I'm done, but I figure you get the picture now.
   The next reason is the actual birth. I was 10 days late, and I went in labor on the 22nd, at 8 am. I remember, because I was having contractions, but because I had never had braxton hicks, my midwife (yes, I was on state-provided insurance, and in Florida, at the time and in my location, you did not get to choose your provider; if you were low-risk you went to a group of midwives, if you were high-risk, you went to the doctors in Gainsville,) my midwife insisted that I was finally having them, even though I was 10 days late. After having them at steady intervals all day, and doing gnarly things like loosing my mucus plug -- so gross -- she finally told me to come on in at midnight. Surprise, I was in labor!! (Duh.) The birthing room: like the set of Jerry Springer. Everybody was yelling and cussing at everybody. If, for some horrible reason, I ever do get pregnant again, NOBODY, and I do mean NOBODY except for the doctor will be allowed in the delivery room, period.
   Then, my precious baby girl: she had a big ass head. The midwife gave me a partial episiotomy, but I tore the rest of the way. Yup, from hole to hole. I had to have 99 stitches, in my hoohah, no less. TMI, I know, but a fact, and a strong reason not to have more kids.
   After the horror of waiting for two hours for stitches, because midwives can't give stitches, and having the midwife holding the tear closed the entire freaking time, and having a doctor finally sew up your junk: fever from blood loss. And apparently I refused a blood transfusion, something I don't remember but was told that I did. Who knew? Not me, that's for sure; I can't remember jack about blood transfusions, but I can believe that in my sleepless, post labor funk I freaked out and refused, which is what they said I did. I can see me doing it, even if I can't remember.
    Because of my fever, they didn't want me to hold or take care of the baby right away, so  I barely got to see her in the first 24 hours of her life, and meanwhile I was hooked up to all kinds of shit that beeped and had all manner of needles stuck in my hands, because I have tiny veins that move, and my hands are the easiest place to stick me. Oh and by the way, she wasn't delivered until noon on the 23rd. Giving birth sucks, and you want me to do it again? And then after that, stitch care, sitting on a donut, and a crapload of pills that I had to take. Fun times. Also, me signing paperwork stating that I was leaving against the doctor's advice. Whatever, I couldn't stand that place anymore, and 10 years later (almost 11) I'm still here, so obviously, I didn't die.
   Okay, after you have the kid, it isn't so bad. No sleep sucks too, but it's better than being pregnant. Plus, now you can actually see and play with baby, a huge plus, in my book. It's the pregnancy, I tell you, the pregnancy and the giving birth. Miracle of life? I can't handle that shit. My daughter needs playmates -- what the heck are her cousins for? My sister has two playmates, all premade and ready to go. Growing babies in your uterus is no joke, and not for me. I just can't do it!