Cartoon Remakes -- Please Stop

   The other day I was babysitting my niece and nephew, and since I happen to have some cable channels that they don't have, and since my daughter was still sleeping because they came over at 7 a.m. in the morning on a day of no school, I thought, "Let them watch some of these cartoons that they can't watch at home unless they are Netflixing." And so we put the TV on Littlest Pet Shop. And my brain cells started dying, due to overwhelming exposure to stupidity.
   Then I found My Little Ponies. I used to love My Little Ponies. In fact, when my daughter was 5, I bought her the complete series of the old-school, made-in-my-childhood cartoon series. I also bought her the movie that has the flutterponies and the smooze in it, so when I saw the cartoon on TV, I thought, "I'll be able to watch this." And I turned the cartoon on -- and proceeded to loose even more brain cells. The My Little Pony remake is dumb.

Wrong

Right

   So I thought, Bugs Bunny. But have you seen what they have done with Loony Tunes? Daffy Duck was walking around on a cell phone and Bugs Bunny had a laptop and no one was dropping pianos on anyone's head, nor was anyone riding acme rockets into cliff walls. More brain cells were lost.
   And I began to feel like I had been cheated. These cartoons were staples to my Saturday mornings. I used to watch Loony Tunes with my dad -- he wouldn't be caught dead watching this new crap. And while My Little Ponies were never the laugh factory, the characters all had, you know, personalities.
   Then I began to feel that these kids were being cheated. Where were the cheap laughs? Sylvester needs to have an anvil dropped on his head while chasing Tweety Bird. That is why he was imagined up. The new cartoons have taken away his reason for being. He is lost, confused, and needs hundreds of dollars of therapy now.
   I can speculate what happened here. Someone, somewhere, said, "This is violent. If kids watch this, they are going to grow up thinking that pianos dropping on people's heads is funny. They are going to emulate that behavior." I grew up with a whole generation of people who watched pianos falling on cartoon character's heads on Saturday mornings, and none of us grew up to emulate that behavior; we don't do this because we are not dumbasses who don't understand the difference between cartoons and real life, but apparently our children are not expected to have the same level of common sense that we do.
   Personally, I disagree. I think my daughter can watch Loony Tunes (the classic version) and not grow up to be a piano dropping psychopath. And I think that I am unfailingly glad that I got her into anime early, and that I have a habit of buying whole seasons of the classics off of Amazon. Because quite frankly, I lost intelligence while watching those fluffed up, garbage-y remakes of old classics. We (my daughter and I) are going to stick to anime and the classics until the United States realizes that cartoon violence is not the reason for everything that is wrong with the world, and that children have brains and don't want to watch dumbed-down versions of old classics. So in the words of Porky Pig:

"Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-... That's all folks."

Cable

   The move to cable, for me, was to save money. I got a deal that included internet and phone, which was a lot cheaper than what I was paying for my old internet and phone service, plus I got cable, something that I haven't had for over seven years. And I love The Walking Dead (best zombie show ever!!!) and now I don't have to wait for the program to be available on Netflicks, which is great, because I got a lot of spoilers waiting. Plus, I am not a patient person.
   But that's just one show, on one channel. I was sure that my daughter and I would be watching other things. Well, now I know. 180+ channels, and all I want to watch besides my Walking Dead and The Game of Thrones is The Golden Girls and I Love Lucy. 180+ channels, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, and that's all that's on that is worth watching, for me at least.
   However, my daughter is obsessed with the Food Network. Not because she likes to cook, no. She likes to watch some Worst Cooks show, I don't really know what it's called, and then she chases me around our apartment, describing that nasty shit to me. Now, I have talked about my food phobias before, but I used to be able to get away from nasty-asty food at home. Now I am being followed around by my traitor daughter as she giggles insanely and describes things like cinnamon coated hamburgers, vanilla chicken,  and bacon flavored ice cream. G.R.O.S.S. I can't escape. If I go to the bathroom and shut the door, she will shout through the door. It's the best thing ever, in her eyes. I don't understand how some people can eat this crap. My gag reflex is too strong. I feel sick even thinking about that stuff they cook on that stupid show.
   And don't get me started on cartoons. Ok, I admit that I watch Pokemon with her. Those little things are cute, and if we all lived in a Pokemon infested world, I would totally devote my time catching Pokemon, because apparently that is a legit career in that world. But even this does not hold a candle to Loony Tunes and Animaniacs. Where is the cartoon violence? Where are the anvils and pianos that drop on the unsuspecting heads? Where is roadrunner and tweety bird? Are you kidding me? And what is up with Bayblade? That cartoon is about spinning tops. All those kids getting all worked up over some fancy tops. That's boring. Tops are not awesome. Wile E Coyote rocketing himself into the side of a cliff is awesome.
   I'm saving money, and that was the main point, so the cable won't be getting shut off, but to all the people who ever asked how I used to live without it? The answer is easily.