Best Advice I Can Give To New Moms

   I remember the days back when my daughter was a baby very vividly (hasn't been that long, after all). There was a lot of fun to that stage; she was learning to new things left and right. But there was also a lot of stress. If you go to the bookstore and pick out a parenting book, they all seem to have guidelines about what your precious baby should or should not be doing, along with ages. Like at so-and-so months, your child should be rolling over, or sitting, or walking, or talking. I threw those books away early, but what I couldn't throw away was all the people, all with the best intentions, telling me that my daughter wasn't doing what she should be doing.
   My daughter, apparently, was slow to roll over. Who knew? Well, everybody except me, it seems. Then she was slow to sit up on her own without support. I had well-meaning people left and right telling me that I needed to work with her, and I would look over at my daughter, diligently working on putting her foot in her mouth, literally, and somehow I just didn't think that a kid who could bend like that was gonna have a problem  with a weak spine. I just thought that at that particular time, she had other interests. Her foot needed to be in her mouth. I figured that once she realized her toes didn't taste very good, she would work on sitting.
   Then she didn't crawl. My daughter never did learn to crawl. That's not to say that she didn't get around -- she did-- she had just found an alternative method. My daughter rolled EVERYWHERE. If she was by the TV and wanted to get to the coffee table, she would lay down on her back and start rolling towards it, giggling as she went. She was also extremely fast at the butt scoot. People stressed me out with their constant, "Your kid isn't developing as fast as she should." But I would look at her, and to me she seemed fine. She just did things differently.
   She learned to walk 'on time' but there were certain family members that expressed disappointment that she did not walk early. However, within a week of learning to walk, she figured out how to run, and everyone was too busy chasing her and too tired to complain for a while.
   Talking was never a problem. She learned to talk early, and almost from the start, she could string sentences together. She talked like a little adult, which brought on complaints about the fact that she wasn't potty training fast enough. "She's obviously smart. Why can't you get her to use the potty? You have to be firm and consistent." As if I didn't know that. I tried everything. I took away diapers and made her run around in panties and took her to the potty every hour, and none of it worked. I felt like a failure, just because my kid wouldn't use the potty at the suggested age. But eventually, I just stopped worrying about that as well, to the fury of some. But hey, I felt justified. Everything my daughter had been slow at doing, she had started doing almost perfectly once she got around to the task. I decided to wait. My daughter didn't potty train until she was four, but once she did, she never had an accident. She never wet the bed, never peed herself because she couldn't hold it; once she decided she wanted to use the toilet she did so with ease and perfection.
   This has always been how my daughter has worked. She likes to do things when she is good and ready to do them. And if she doesn't want to do them, forcing her is like trying to move a mountain. Good luck with that. Sometimes parenting is stepping back and paying attention to your child's patterns. How does your child do things? What is the norm for your child? Because your child isn't one of those neat and tidy little statistics -- your child is unique and will do things in his/her own way.
   My daughter was slow, according to all of the books, and all of the people who held her up to other kids. Today -- my daughter is twelve. She is wicked smart and has a zany, goofy, fun personality. She still does things in her own way at her own time, and that's fine, because I've learned that there can be a method to her hesitation. She's watching, listening, learning, and she'll do whatever it is when she feels good and ready, and do it with confidence.
   So that would be the advice that I would give to other mothers. All the studies in the world cannot tell you how your child will work. They will not tell you when your child should do something. They will tell you how other children work, and around what ages the majority of other children did those things -- but those children are not your children. I don't really like to give parenting advice because I am far, far from an expert, yet, at the same time, I am a mother. I have been there, stressing because my daughter wasn't doing what everyone said she should do at the age they said she should.
   And I am telling you now, all that crap means nothing. It's just crap. So my advice is not to hold your child up to crap standards that may or may not mean a damn thing. Your child will move and learn at their own pace, and if you are really worried, you can always go talk to your doctor. But don't stress out because some book, or family member, or friend said that your kid isn't learning fast enough. Your child is unique. In all of the world, there has never been another baby like the one you have now, and there never will be another one just like that baby again, so how can you compare that special baby to someone else?

My daughter at 3 months. 

My daughter around 9 months. 

Women Are More Than Wombs; Not All Women Need To Have Babies

   Of course, I am a mother, and I love being a mother. I value and cherish my time with my child and am thankful that I have her, but there is something that I would like to address here. I have a lot of friends, and I am not the type of person who limits myself to friends who only have beliefs, desires, and lifestyles similar to mine. I would miss out on so much if I did that.
   There are a few of my female friends who have absolutely no desire to have children what-so-ever. They are focused on other things and like their lives, and feel no need to bring a baby into the world. But they often get told that once they have a child, they will change their minds; that women are meant to have children; that they don't know what they are missing. This attitude is even worse for the married ones, "Why did you get married if you don't want kids?" Like a person can't love and respect and want to spend their life with someone if there are no children involved? Children are not the glue that holds a marriage together, and if that is what you are using your children for I submit that you are placing a horrible burden on said child.
   The thing is, there as so many options for a woman today. Why should a woman be confined to having a child if that is not what she wants? If the human race were in danger of dying out, maybe this would be a different story, but this is not the case. I am not going to spout nonsense about not all women have maternal feelings, because to me, that implies a lack in the woman, and that, I believe is not true. There are many childless Aunties out there who seem to me to show a great deal of what could be considered 'maternal' instinct, but they choose not to have children because they have others goals and other dreams. What is wrong with that? In a world so full of opportunity and choice, why should woman all make the same choice, all have the same goal? To me, this does not imply a lack, but instead, merely a different path than my own.
   To me, women who choose not to have a child, but who choose to instead give their energy to following a career, these women give my daughter another example of what her choices are. In my mind, this does not limit their femininity, but instead offers another side of that femaleness. When we see men, we do not think that only the athletes are male, we do not see that only the soldiers are male, and certainly, we do not see that only the fathers are male. Why should only mothers be female? Of course, I feel that good mothers are to be respected, and I feel that many aspects of motherhood are NOT respected in today's society, but the women who decide not to be mothers, I see them disrespected as well. They are told they will change their minds, they will be lonely in old age, they will regret. They are held in judgment because they decide not to be mothers, as much as stay-at-home mothers are judged for not having careers. But I have addressed my feelings towards the disrespect of mothers; both stay-at-home and working. Now is the time where I address the disrespect towards women who do not want children.
   I do not think that these women will regret not having children; not if they live their lives to the fullest and do what they set out to do. I do not see them as being lonely in old age. Not all family is related by blood, and certainly, not all family comes from the womb. And I value the fact that a woman today can make a choice, and choose not to be a mother if that is her wish. If my daughter grows up and has children,  I think she will be a wonderful mother, but right now (and at the age she is, I know that this can change) she doesn't talk about growing up and having children. She doesn't play with dolls and has never tenderly nursed a baby doll, dressing and changing and feeding it with the love and care and interest that I have seen my niece display with her baby dolls. From the second grade, my daughter has wanted to some kind of scientist. The type changes yearly, but the scientist part remains. She has coveted encyclopedias of scientific fact the way other children covet Harry Potter. She has reveled in science experiments and rejoiced over the fact that finally, in 6th grade, she finally gets to have a daily science class.
   I do not want my child to grow up thinking that women have to have children in order to be women. I want her to grow up believing that having a child is yet another opportunity for women, but I do not want her limited to that one opportunity. If she spends her life furthering the knowledge of scientific fact (or some other goal), and not having children, I will not see her womanhood wasted. She will have brought something of value to the human race; every bit as much so if she decides that she will have children.
   So you see, I submit these arguments that not all women need to have children not only for the sake of my beleaguered friends, who may never want children, but also for the future of my own child, so that she will be truly free to decide what path is the right path for her. We are all  more than a womb.